The Best Way Is The Hardest Way

It is so good to be home after my four day stay at the spa, oops I mean, hospital. My mental "gratefulness list" has been growing all day.  Among some of the items on the list: my own nightgown that covers me appropriately, a large cup of freshly brewed coffee, soft toilet paper, wash cloths and towels, views from my windows, BRAVO T.V., uninterrupted sleep, my family, and of course, my mini-doxies Bella and Brutus. Sometimes being yanked from your ordinary life makes you really grateful for what you have each day.

I was asked a couple of different times today by friends calling to check up on me, "what keeps your faith so strong when things like this happen?". As I was sharing my answer, I realized that this question has been asked of me many times and for many different reasons. Looking back over my 50 years, I have had my share of really difficult times, yet I still consider myself a 'glass is half-full' kind of gal. It has not always been easy and the ability to remain relatively optimistic during life's challenges is certainly something I have cultivated and nurtured in myself and still continue to do so.

Even as a young girl after my mother's death (she died of cancer at age 37, I was 12) and several years later after my father's suicide, in all of the grief and sadness, I had a survivor type mentality. I also had a firm belief in God even though I was not raised in a religious household. My desire to know God has been in my heart for as far back as I can remember. However, it has only been in the past few years that I have learned to be accepting of and follow, God's Will, not mine.

When I arrived at the hospital Friday evening and realized that I had a bad infection that was causing even more pain, fever, etc. of course my first reaction was: Are you kidding, God?!
(I have a really neat relationship with Him, so I can talk to Him that way!) There was definitely fear, hand wringing, exasperation and disbelief.
For a while.
Then I prayed.

I prayed for many things, like great doctors, solid diagnosis, pain relief, but most importantly, I prayed for acceptance; acceptance of God's Will for me. God's Will for me was not to suffer or be sick, I am sure. But, I have cancer (not caused by God either) and because of that, I have many related health problems resulting from having cancer for 16 years (Blessing! Not dead!). These health problems are going to surface unannounced and when I am least expecting them. God gives me the strength and grace to handle my problems - when I turn to Him. I also pray that I will be made aware of the lessons that I am to learn while enduring my problems. And each time I have a huge challenge, my belief in God and the belief that He is caring for me and protecting me goes to a much deeper level. Much spirituallity as a whole, is taken to new depths.

To expect God to answer my prayers, I first had to convince myself of my need for Him. I had to give up control (of everything). Living by God's Will requires humility. I cannot have my plans all laid out and barrel straight forward, and at the same time be fully following God's plan for my life. This does not mean I just lay around waiting for things to happen, following God's Will requires discipline and commitment.  Sometimes remaining in my current situation (insert hospitalization, relationships, big decisions, etc) is really uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean that I disengage and allow things to fall apart around me. I must be patient. Sometimes, really patient. I also have to be brave and have courage, especially when I am being pressured to act a certain way. I have to be careful and not stop listening to God and start following others' advice instead.

This brings me to Faith. Truly believing that God has a purpose and a plan for my life means that I also accept that His timing is perfect and that sometimes my prayers are not answered "yes" or "no", but "not now". That is where the true waiting comes in. When I am facing a difficult situation like the past 4 days, I take great peace in the fact that God is strengthening me while I lean on Him. Since I have been home, I have come to the realization that many GOOD things came to me at the expense of being sick:
     1. I know I now have a pretty severe reaction to morphine. It was given to me in the ER and I had quite the reaction. So glad to have found this out now, because it was planned for me to be hooked to a morphine pump after my upcoming surgery. Yikes!
     2. Both of my surgeons were able to come together with me and discuss in detail with each other and me, my upcoming surgery. We are all on the same page. Trying to orchestrate that type of meeting in their offices would have been impossible.
     3. I stayed on the same floor that I will be recupperating on and got to meet the nurses that will be taking care of me. I am now walking into a familiar place and that helps my fears of the onknown a lot.
     4. I found out the room numbers to request, that have the best ocean view!

Following God's Will, in theory, seems like it would be the easiest thing to do, "You're the boss, I'll listen and do what you say".

But for me and my Type A, 'my way or the highway' personality, it is one of the hardest.