I Know What I Know Because I Know...I think.

In the past 24 hours, in three different settings, I have come across the topic of one's belief in God and voicing that belief to others. I noticed it in a conversation I had with a friend, in a meeting I attended and then again in something I read. I have come to learn, when I notice things more than once or twice to stop, pause and think.

Over the past several months, I have noticed that when I am introduced to a person, or when someone asks what do I do, when I respond that I am a Pastoral Counselor, that person gives a hesitant nod sometimes accompanied by an "ahh", that would imply understanding.  But in fact, they have no idea what I am talking about and often have a slight look of fear about them, as though I might be contagious. I came across this phenomena consistently while I was at a conference last week. More than once, I felt like I stated that I was a door to door salesman that was going to hammer them with religion or something. (By the way, as a Pastoral Counselor, I enjoy working with women helping them to heal after some type of trauma or unhappiness, with a faith based or spiritual approach - just to clear things up.) So it is very interesting to me today, that this topic of voicing aloud one's belief in God, has presented itself to me again.

I have become very comfortable about stating my belief in a loving God because of the abundance of 'there's no explanation other than' experiences in my life. That's all, just concrete evidence, to me, at least. I didn't always fell that way, though. When I was first diagnosed with cancer back in 1998, I was in the habit of attending Mass, albeit sporadically. I always felt like I was an outsider, kind of looking in, when it came to my religion. I sat through the services, but I really didn't connect with them. When we moved to West Hartford in 2000, I made a concerted effort to really immerse myself in our new parish and hopefully begin to feel more comfortable in the pews.

I bought books with titles like "Catholicism for Dummies". I joined the Mother's group for some fellowship. I attended Mass regularly and began teaching the little ones CCD. I joined several committees, including Parish Council. But I still had that 'feeling'. The feeling that everyone else had a deep relationship with God, something that I did not have. I attended bible studies and seminars. I attended Catholic Biblical College. I became an Eucharistic Minister and a Lay Minister. And, for a couple of years, I attended Mass almost daily. During that time of course, my 'knowledge' of God increased tremendously and I had great comfort in that. The mounting eveidence of His love for me and my family was very apparent as I battled my way with cancer. I actually had guilt though, as though I was being untruthful, because I could talk and even teach about God - I just felt so empty inside and I didn't know how to fix that.

But thankfully, several years ago, that changed for me.

The challenge of fighting cancer, after my second metastisis, was beginning to take an emotional toll on me. I began to suffer from bouts of depression and severe anxiety. Acts of going to the cancer center for a blood draw or treatment became nearly impossible for me to do sometimes. Often, I found it difficult to leave the house, and I began to isolate myself. I was getting tired - tired of the fight. I wanted it to stop. All of it. No more pokes and prods and sticks. No more tests and scans and procedures. No more treatments, no more pain.

I was done... I was giving up the fight.

I remember crying out to God to please hear me, to help me, "just let me FEEL you"! And then a thought came to me... "The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still".
It was a bible passage. Actually, it was Exodus 14:14. This was a miracle to me. You see, I cannot remember bible passages, at all. I have never been able to and it is something that frustrates me to no end. But there it was, clear as day to me. Finally, God had spoken to me, and I had heard.

I think it was my sheer desperation. My total surrender to trying to run my life. I gave it away... to God. And God has carried me since.

It was not easy then, and it still challenges me to this day, but I now totally understand my part in having a relationship with God and having a meaningful, deep spiritual life. It is very much like any loving relationship, you have to give your heart away and walk in the faith of that love. So back to the original question that I came across a few times this week:  Am I willing to say any place, to anyone, that I believe in God and and that I am willing to put His world first? You betcha! Am I going to go knocking on doors to do so? Um, no.

I am a firm believer in the idea of 'attraction not promotion'. All of the time people ask me, how do you keep fighting?

My answer:

"I don't, I have only to remain still. He's fighting for me."