Thoughts on Going Home

"Can you add a single moment your life by worrying?" Matthew 7:27

Anxiety is a thief.
The combination of fear and uncertainty robs us of drive, desire, compassion, and most importantly, peace.

What do we have to fear when we put our trust in Him?Believing in God doesb't mean we will never experience uncertainty. We will always incur situations that cause us fear, pain and worry. The key to our faith is to consciously Let Go (visualize) of our anxiety and fears instead, completely trust (it's scary at first!)God to provide forum needs in His time and in His way.

When we dob't give away our anxieties (or don't COMPLETELY giv them away) fear and doubt become entrenched in our thinking and develop into a stronghold. Then negative forces will dig in and use every resource to build up our apprehension. This is what anxiety looks like - a sense of fear that overwhelms our faith.

Someone who has not totally surrendered their anxieties to God sounds like this: "I know God is capable of dealing with the problems in my life, but I'm just not sure He will". Then they take back their anxiety by trying to fix their problems themselves.

God sees the beginning and the end of every situation that we face. He knows the root of our anxiety, the best way to calm our heart, and how to turn sadness into joy. "Cast all your worries upon him because He cares for you", 1Peter 5:7

He will do all of this for us without leaving our side, because He loves us deeply and wants to bless us with peace and calm. We have only to reach out our hearts to Him and trust.

Living by faith guarantees hardship when a person decides to totally surrender to God and try to listen to and obey at all times. This was a hard pill for me to swallow. For some reason, when I decided to trust God completely and stop worrying, I thought things would be easy, breezy. Not. Sometimes, we are made to make painful sacrifices. Often we have to go forward by faith in spite of challenges. It can be very hard to trust so completely...like we are helpless children once again.

We are assured by Scripture that adversity produces a deeper intimacy with God. "The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little", 1Peter 5:10. Obviously, God and I have a different definition for the words 'a little', but I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Every single health challenge, or any other adversity, not only have I come out of virtually unscathed, but also I have learned so many lessons and become even closer to God each time. He has a plan for my life, I am along for the ride.

Hardships are inevitable. We could try everything in our power to avoid them, but they will still occur.  However, these hardships are not for us to question 'Why, God?', but rather to state "I have only to remain still and God will fight for me", Exodus 14:14. We must meet the challenge head on and go forward in our faith.

"I have only to remain still"... remain still...sit for a while in quiet...be still.

On many mornings I felt wobbly because while in the hospital, I was looking at difficult times looming ahead. How can I work with this drain? How can I pull off this party on October 1 for everyone to see the studio? How would I manage the pain? Blah, blah,  blah... I was looking at the future through my eyes and mind and only with my strength. It looked impossible. Also, I was worrying about future issues and not focusing on just today. But finally, when I took the time each morning to close my eyes, breathe, and center myself in the present moment, that's where I found God, waiting for me. Since He is my strength, He can empower me to handle each task as it comes. He has the power to make this beat up body of mine perform near miraculous tasks for myself.

I must keep bringing my mind to the present moment.
Breathe. Find my anchor.
It is an amazing fact that only humans can anticipate a myriad of future events and possible worrisome scenarios. This ability is a blessing, but easily can become a curse. If we use our minds to worry about tomorrow, we are actually practicing unbelief - we haven't truly turned our will over to God. But each time we sit quietly and return our minds to the present moment, we allow God to take care of us  and the future. This is the core of mindfulness meditation. Stop planning, controlling, worrying.

A week ago, I was doubled over with infection in my belly and everything looked bleak as I anticipated what would happen to me.  But hour by hour, I began to see God's hand in mine and the miracles, once again, began happening to me.

Today, I am going home. Once again, I have emerged from a very bad situation, basically unscathed. I do have an annoying drain hanging from me until the infection is completely gone, but I look at it as some kind of touchstone, a constant reminder of how exceptional my recovery has been. For the fourth time in less than two years, I have fought MRSA and won. My last wonderful, 'really good' PET scan showed no cancer in my body, giving me the opportunity to stop treatment. And that allowed me to pursue my dream of opening a meditation studio to teach people the most important thing I've learned in my life: to remain still, to just Be, and allow God to fight for me.

I live for today, right now, right here. Infection could come back, or not; cancer could come back, or not. But I'm not going to add one more moment to my life worrying about it. I am in awe of all of the miracles God has blessed me with, especially my studio.

Miracles?
Or just maybe, God's Will for me.

Namaste.
Kim

Down in the Valley - Again.

I am writing from my bed, in the hospital, unbelievably, again. I have a massive infection in my belly, again. I am in a lot of pain and very scared and frustrated, again. And God will lead me out of this mess, again.

In spiritual terms, I am in the midst of a 'Valley Experience'. An experience where the hardship is so deep, that we find it almost impossible to stand and that the event can threaten to overwhelm us. Actually, it is almost impossible for me to stand because the drain that has been placed in my belly to drain the pus and gunk out, hurts like crazy when I move around.

Valley Experiences are not because of God, but rather give us the ability to draw closer to God as He leads us back up to the mountain top. I truly believe and have written about this before, that the closer and deeper that we walk along God's path (or Will) for us, the harder the devil tries to undermine our progress by throwing road blocks in our way. He certainly threw a big log at me last week.

I was almost giddy with pleasure at the success Mindfuless and Matters was experiencing during the soft opening that began September 7. People were coming to the meditation sessions and the boutique was selling lots of beautiful creations and gifts. I was going home each night happy and excited for the next day. I loved talking about the studio and was looking forward to going to a special ladies night out two Friday's ago to network and talk more. While I was getting ready to go out, I noticed a bump in my dress that  looked like an 'outsy' belly button. This was completely out of the ordinary because after last year's MRSA nightmare, I no longer have a belly button. It was at the very top of the large scar that is on my belly. I was rushed so I put it out of my mind and continued to get ready.

Over the weekend, my new belly button got a bit bigger and was a bit painful. I thought that perhaps I  had irritated an adhesion or it was new scar tissue. I felt great otherwise but called my Dr. on
Monday.  Of course with my luck, he was out of town. I made an appointment for the past first day he was back. I was not able to make it to the appointment  - I was already hospitalized.

I got home from the studio on Wednesday evening around 8:00 pm. I was ready for a long, hot shower, and then putting on my Deep Blue lotion. My lower back had started aching earlier in the
afternoon, I attributed it to a busy, long day. I woke up early Thursday to get showered and ready for 8:30 meditation. My back and groin were really aching and I was feeling kinda blah. I noticed a wet spot on my top and thought that's crazy, I know I dried completely off.

I lifted my top to look...
The room started spinning.

Pus and gunk were oozing rapidly out of  the top of my incision. I couldn't believe it. I grabbed a
towel and pressed it to the hole in my belly and called for Ken. I found some gauze pads and secured them with my old abdominal brace. I called my surgeon's answering service and waited for instructions. Do I go to the ER here or drive to Yale? I called my primary Doctor, she told me not to
wait and get down to Yale ER.


Because I have never been to the ER and NOT been admitted, I packed a bag. I now also knew something was very wrong. The pain in my lower back, the ache in my groin, the blah feeling, all were adding up to 'what the hell is going on'? How can his be? This is a bad dream, right?! And then the hardest part, calling Beth at Little Something Bakery and having her write a note to put on my door to the studio saying that it would be closed. Are you freaking kidding me?! And then fear walked back into my life.

It is the most unsettling feeling ever to be cruising along, feeling greater than great, happy, excited, etc., then realize something potentially deadly has been brewing undetected for weeks, possibly



months in my body. My most recent surgery was 4 months ago, almost exactly the amount of time it  took for my body to become infected from my original hernia repair two years ago. And one year ago to the day, I was on another floor of the hospital fighting for my life against MRSA. And now here I go again; down into the valley.

The doctor in the ER took one look at me and said I would be immediately admitted. He ordered a CT scan and broad spectrum antibiotics until cultures showed exactly what type of bacteria was infecting me. (Cultures take 3-5 days to grow out). It took 4 nurses and five sticks aided by ultrasound to get the IV in. The doctor lanced the area and so much stuff came out of my belly, I think I dropped a pant size.

Almost eight hours later, I was taken to my room. The pain was gaining momentum and I was starting to feel lousy. I was told that I would be going to Interventional Radioolgy to have a tube guided down to the infected area and a drain would then be sutured in place. As I waited, I began to get sicker and sicker. I was vomiting nonstop and sweat was pouring from me so much that my hair was soaked. By the time I reached radiology I was delirious and incoherent. Sepsis was setting in.

The rest of Friday is a blur to me. Somehow, Tessa arrived in my room. IV bags and tubes were
everywhere. My belly and my head were on fire. How had I gotten in such bad shape so quickly? I began praying....hard.

Friday night came and went, but I barely remember it . Nurses were constantly adding more IV bags and watching vital signs. I knew the night had passed when the nurses changed over their shifts. The fog I was in began clearing somewhat and I began to get some clarity and focus. I had dodged a bullet or even a bomb. Thank God I had an outward symptom of the infection. Had there not been, I would have become septic and that would have been disastrous. Once again, God had protected me.

The doctors explained their plan to Ken,Tessa and me. They absolutely did not want to perform surgery, because by doing so, it would only stir up and spread the infection all over the place. Instead,
they would irrigate my abscess cavity every few hours by flushing with an antibiotic mixture and let it drain out. In addition, three whoopass antibiotics would be rotated until the cultures grow out and more specific antibiotics would be brought in. After several days, and feeling confident that the infection is wiped out, I will go home with the drain and hopefully oral meds.
If not, a PIC line will be inserted and  I'll have IV treatments at home.

Or at the studio - because this will not deter me.

I truly believe God's promises that He will use every 'valley' I walk through to benefit me in someway. As much as I dislike the pain, fear and uncertainties and as much as I want to (and have done!) cry, yell, question and worry, I know God has this.  My valleys do not drive a wedge between me and God, in fact, they bring me closer to Him as I seek comfort, strength and peace from Him.

When I shut out my world and close my eyes and focus on God's presence, I can enjoy sitting with God in a heavenly realm. As I concentrate on God, His Spirit fills my mind with calm and peace. I refuse to worry. This wasteful practice weighs me down and blocks my awareness of God's presence.

I have studied the practice of mindfulness mediation with such a passion and look where it has brought me. I am able to use my practice in true times of fear and pain to invite God into my life to so that he can take my hand and lead me out of this valley and emerge even stronger in my relationship with Him and even more determined to make my business a success.

The devil isn't going to deter me this time, either.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and kind words.Thy mean so much to me.

Namaste.
Kim