Unbelievably, I am lying on a gurney in the emergency room at Yale. As the day passed, I noticed increasing pain and tenderness in my abdomen. A strong feeling pushed me to contact my doctor. So here I am awaiting a CT Scan , with IV morphine and fever. In all likelihood there is infection.
It never fails to amaze me how much we are not in control of our lives, even though we think we are.
Starting to feel woozy, bye for now.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
I'm Singing In The Rain - Not!!
As I sit here, I can hear the rain through the screen door gently tapping on the patio. The sounds make me think of the saying ' Into every life a little rain must fall". At this moment, that particular saying really annoys me. I have had a little rain fall into my life today. Actually, a lot of rain. In fact, a deluge of rain fell into my life today.
(The following passage is a rather graphic description of a medical issue I am dealing with. It may be a little too much for some readers, but hey, I'm the one that has to live with the embarrassment when I see you!)
Last year, after my "really big hernia repair, that compared to the one coming up will look like a facial" surgery, for some yet to be explained reason, I completely lost the ability to urinate on my own. No matter how hard I tried, nothing. It resulted in having to self-catheter many times a day. For me, this was awful. I have self-diagnosed bathroom OCD and am a self proclaimed germaphobe as well. Not a good combination. Portapotties and I have never gotten along. Now to maybe have to use a portapotty to self-catheter?!? Bring on the Xanax...
Thank goodness the problem corrected itself after a few months. Fast forward to March 2015. My problem has returned. My Oncologist directted me to Yale's finest female (no explanation for gender needed, right?) Urologist. I have undergone several not so fun tests trying to determine the cause of my problem. The fascia that is dissolving in my abdomen that is permitting all of the hernias to form, is also dissolving around the bladder, resulting in two additional hernias in the pelvic floor. In total, I have 7 new hernias since last May, and now an Immunologist/Oncologist has been recruited for my team. I will soon have jerseys printed for them reflecting our team name: Gang Green. tee hee.
The last test today, however, proved that my inability to urinate is not a hernia related problem. It is a nerve/neuropathy issue, that in all likelihood, is permanent. Ouch. Dr. m. stated it perfectly: "The chemotherapy over all of these years that has saved your life, is now jepordizing your life".
So today was a pretty, not-so-good day. While Dr. M. was trying to explain all of this to Ken, an iron band seemed to place itself on my head and then begin to tighten. On the drive home, I just shut my eyes and tried to shut up the chatter in my head. At home, I went and laid down and began to put all of my new relaxation methods to work. Amazingly, I felt much better within the hour.
So a lot of rain fell into my life today. Rain is needed for growth. Rain is needed for strength. And rain is needed to make me flourish. I received some really bad news, sat with it, meditated on it and made peace with it. Does that mean I am not totally pissed off (ha!)? Of course not. But it does not have to make me bitter or whine and pout. How much fun is that to be around? No, it makes me find all of the inner strength that I receive from God and march forward.
Into the rain.
With my pink umbrella.
(The following passage is a rather graphic description of a medical issue I am dealing with. It may be a little too much for some readers, but hey, I'm the one that has to live with the embarrassment when I see you!)
Last year, after my "really big hernia repair, that compared to the one coming up will look like a facial" surgery, for some yet to be explained reason, I completely lost the ability to urinate on my own. No matter how hard I tried, nothing. It resulted in having to self-catheter many times a day. For me, this was awful. I have self-diagnosed bathroom OCD and am a self proclaimed germaphobe as well. Not a good combination. Portapotties and I have never gotten along. Now to maybe have to use a portapotty to self-catheter?!? Bring on the Xanax...
Thank goodness the problem corrected itself after a few months. Fast forward to March 2015. My problem has returned. My Oncologist directted me to Yale's finest female (no explanation for gender needed, right?) Urologist. I have undergone several not so fun tests trying to determine the cause of my problem. The fascia that is dissolving in my abdomen that is permitting all of the hernias to form, is also dissolving around the bladder, resulting in two additional hernias in the pelvic floor. In total, I have 7 new hernias since last May, and now an Immunologist/Oncologist has been recruited for my team. I will soon have jerseys printed for them reflecting our team name: Gang Green. tee hee.
The last test today, however, proved that my inability to urinate is not a hernia related problem. It is a nerve/neuropathy issue, that in all likelihood, is permanent. Ouch. Dr. m. stated it perfectly: "The chemotherapy over all of these years that has saved your life, is now jepordizing your life".
So today was a pretty, not-so-good day. While Dr. M. was trying to explain all of this to Ken, an iron band seemed to place itself on my head and then begin to tighten. On the drive home, I just shut my eyes and tried to shut up the chatter in my head. At home, I went and laid down and began to put all of my new relaxation methods to work. Amazingly, I felt much better within the hour.
So a lot of rain fell into my life today. Rain is needed for growth. Rain is needed for strength. And rain is needed to make me flourish. I received some really bad news, sat with it, meditated on it and made peace with it. Does that mean I am not totally pissed off (ha!)? Of course not. But it does not have to make me bitter or whine and pout. How much fun is that to be around? No, it makes me find all of the inner strength that I receive from God and march forward.
Into the rain.
With my pink umbrella.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Hurry Up Patience!!
I have really been focused on practicing the virtue of patience as of late. Through meditation (or just trying to meditate!), I have become aware of how impatient I can still become. This brings up red flags to me because in the past, when my life was over scheduled and too busy, life had a very effective way for me to slow down: I got sick.
I have never believed for one instant that my cancer is from God. In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I have cancer, and God is showing me how to become a better person in spite of it. He is showing me how to use my illness to help others and He is showing me how to use difficult times to take my faith and spirituality to a much deeper level.
For me, patience is not my ability to wait, but it is my ability (or lack of) to keep a good attitude while I wait. I found out last week that my surgery is being pushed back to the second week of July. One of my surgeons is going out of town for two weeks on vacation. What?!? Are you kidding me?? blah, blah, blah... was my initial reaction. After some time, I realized that this is probably a good thing.. a really good thing. First of all, I guess I would much rather have someone that is relocating pieces of muscle from my thighs to my belly, to be refreshed and well rested as opposed to stressed out and exhausted. duh. Secondly, it gives me more time. More time to enjoy the first part of summer with my family, more time to plan the next few months of recouping, and mainly, more time to learn to be patient.
In the same vein of patience is my ability to rest. It is difficult very difficult for me to rest and be still (the MBSR class is helping). I squirm if I sit down to watch television with Ken and don't also have something in my hands to do...knitting helps. Commercials are breaks to switch a load of laundry, let the dogs out or cleanup the kitchen. I am amazed at those who can just sit and watch for long lengths of time! I am okay at the theatre or a production, I guess at home I just always feel compelled to get up and move.
In my morning devotional readings today, two separate books mentioned resting. One was titled 'Our Responsibility to Rest', the other 'Be Refreshed'. I love the coincidence when that happens and believe that God is speaking to me through the written word. Resting in God is one of the hardest tasks we must undertake. "Resting" may sound easy, but it requires supernatural courage, since in our human weakness, we tend to fret and worry. Worry turns our minds away from trust in God. Patiently waiting for God to act is one of the supreme tests of our spiritual maturity. Only he understands every circumstance and knows the precise moment when answering our prayer is best for us. Sometimes it is so difficult to be patient!
Today I will try to REST in the knowledge that God has everything under control and be PATIENT while I wait for my 'surgery journey' to begin. I will ENJOY this delay!
I have never believed for one instant that my cancer is from God. In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I have cancer, and God is showing me how to become a better person in spite of it. He is showing me how to use my illness to help others and He is showing me how to use difficult times to take my faith and spirituality to a much deeper level.
For me, patience is not my ability to wait, but it is my ability (or lack of) to keep a good attitude while I wait. I found out last week that my surgery is being pushed back to the second week of July. One of my surgeons is going out of town for two weeks on vacation. What?!? Are you kidding me?? blah, blah, blah... was my initial reaction. After some time, I realized that this is probably a good thing.. a really good thing. First of all, I guess I would much rather have someone that is relocating pieces of muscle from my thighs to my belly, to be refreshed and well rested as opposed to stressed out and exhausted. duh. Secondly, it gives me more time. More time to enjoy the first part of summer with my family, more time to plan the next few months of recouping, and mainly, more time to learn to be patient.
In the same vein of patience is my ability to rest. It is difficult very difficult for me to rest and be still (the MBSR class is helping). I squirm if I sit down to watch television with Ken and don't also have something in my hands to do...knitting helps. Commercials are breaks to switch a load of laundry, let the dogs out or cleanup the kitchen. I am amazed at those who can just sit and watch for long lengths of time! I am okay at the theatre or a production, I guess at home I just always feel compelled to get up and move.
In my morning devotional readings today, two separate books mentioned resting. One was titled 'Our Responsibility to Rest', the other 'Be Refreshed'. I love the coincidence when that happens and believe that God is speaking to me through the written word. Resting in God is one of the hardest tasks we must undertake. "Resting" may sound easy, but it requires supernatural courage, since in our human weakness, we tend to fret and worry. Worry turns our minds away from trust in God. Patiently waiting for God to act is one of the supreme tests of our spiritual maturity. Only he understands every circumstance and knows the precise moment when answering our prayer is best for us. Sometimes it is so difficult to be patient!
Today I will try to REST in the knowledge that God has everything under control and be PATIENT while I wait for my 'surgery journey' to begin. I will ENJOY this delay!
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Spectacularly Ordinary
Every once in a while, I have one of those days that is just perfect. Sometimes, it almost feels a bit surreal, like watching myself in an old movie or sitcom. Nothing spectacular happened, yet many times during the day I thought to myself how spectacular something ordinary, was.
The morning was gorgeous. Birds playing in the giant weeping cherry tree branches outside my window. The sun just starting to peek over the trees in the yard, a cool crisp breeze. Now I will admit my first cup of coffee WAS spectacular. Brewed just right and with the perfect amount of cream and sugar; it almost felt indulgent to drink it. I was the first person up, even Brutus and Bella were still sleeping upstairs. I sat in the living room and began my morning ritual of readings and prayer. It was so quiet and still and everything I read seemed to be speaking directly to me. It is in those moments that I feel as if I am in the presence of God..
After some errands, I was finally able to get out into my yard and gardens. Everything is in full bloom and years of hard work has finally paid off into a mature and healthy garden. Everything was thirsty though so the hose and me slowly made the circumference of my yard. When I am watering, I am so relaxed, watching the water pool at the base of each plant, I can just imagine the roots underneath, drinking up the water and flushing it to the blooms. As I was watering, a beautiful red cardinal landed nearby and hopped towards the spray of water. He, too, was thirsty and dry. he skirted around and played in the stream for several minutes... enchanting. I have heard that when you are visited by a single cardinal, that it is the spirit of someone that has passed gracing you. Maybe mom? She loved to garden, too. The thought of that made me smile. My Clematis vine is just starting to bloom, the flowers were wide open to the sunlight. As the afternoon began to fade into dusk, the blooms silently started to close for their evening slumber. I felt that if I could just stand there long enough, I would actually be able to see them close.
As evening closed in, the sounds of children playing through the neighborhood was blurred with laughing and talking by the adults at cookouts and parties. Slowly the dark was illuminated by the distant twinkle lights of patios and decks, and bright orange glows of bonfires that could be seen through the trees. I felt I had been lifted up and placed in a documentary of "Memorial Day Weekend in Anytown, USA".
As my day winds down and my bath and bed beckon, I still am wearing the half smile I have worn all day.
Sometimes the most ordinary days are the most spectacular ones.
The morning was gorgeous. Birds playing in the giant weeping cherry tree branches outside my window. The sun just starting to peek over the trees in the yard, a cool crisp breeze. Now I will admit my first cup of coffee WAS spectacular. Brewed just right and with the perfect amount of cream and sugar; it almost felt indulgent to drink it. I was the first person up, even Brutus and Bella were still sleeping upstairs. I sat in the living room and began my morning ritual of readings and prayer. It was so quiet and still and everything I read seemed to be speaking directly to me. It is in those moments that I feel as if I am in the presence of God..
After some errands, I was finally able to get out into my yard and gardens. Everything is in full bloom and years of hard work has finally paid off into a mature and healthy garden. Everything was thirsty though so the hose and me slowly made the circumference of my yard. When I am watering, I am so relaxed, watching the water pool at the base of each plant, I can just imagine the roots underneath, drinking up the water and flushing it to the blooms. As I was watering, a beautiful red cardinal landed nearby and hopped towards the spray of water. He, too, was thirsty and dry. he skirted around and played in the stream for several minutes... enchanting. I have heard that when you are visited by a single cardinal, that it is the spirit of someone that has passed gracing you. Maybe mom? She loved to garden, too. The thought of that made me smile. My Clematis vine is just starting to bloom, the flowers were wide open to the sunlight. As the afternoon began to fade into dusk, the blooms silently started to close for their evening slumber. I felt that if I could just stand there long enough, I would actually be able to see them close.
As evening closed in, the sounds of children playing through the neighborhood was blurred with laughing and talking by the adults at cookouts and parties. Slowly the dark was illuminated by the distant twinkle lights of patios and decks, and bright orange glows of bonfires that could be seen through the trees. I felt I had been lifted up and placed in a documentary of "Memorial Day Weekend in Anytown, USA".
As my day winds down and my bath and bed beckon, I still am wearing the half smile I have worn all day.
Sometimes the most ordinary days are the most spectacular ones.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Prom and Forward
It's almost 10:00 p.m on Sunday evening as I sit down to write. I'm tired, but it's a really good tired. A tired from a very full week, tired. A week full of excitement, drama, fun and lots of activity. I'm ready for slumber.
Ken had to travel all this week, so I was a one-woman show. My days included shuttling to and from school, three baseball games, MBSR class, book group at my house, two meetings at my house, Junior Prom, 20 hours of work... oh, did I mention Junior Prom?
Torrie attended his Junior Prom with his delightful friend, Bridget, on Friday. Tessa was a huge help and took him for final alterations and pick-up of his tuxedo on Wednesday, while I was at a meeting. Torrie looked very pleased with himself when I arrived home, but wouldn't let me see his tux until he was fully dressed for Prom. Ken had taken him the week prior to pick out his duds ("Honey, this is one of those 'big life moments', so no arguing with Torrie.. just be the 'yes man' and hand over the cash"), so I was dying to see him in it and he knew it. I worked at Giftology until 2:30, then zoomed to pick up Bridget's corsage and back home to be at our first of 4 (!) stops for pictures. I barreled into the house and there he was looking just amazing. My little guy was no longer a little guy, he was now my extremely handsome, big guy! Wow, when did THAT happen?
The next couple of hours was a blur of pictures, smiles, high fives and blushes. The girls were exquisite, elegant and gorgeous. The guys handsome, debonair and charming. Somewhere in the middle of taking pictures, I had a brief flash forward of days to come. As I saw him posed in one of the guys only shots, I had a vision of all of his friends lined up exactly the same, but at one of each other's weddings. Cue the tears.
A few years ago, I would not let myself even begin to think of Torrie's and Tessa's wedding days, let alone even their prom days. I never even thought that I would see Tessa graduate from high school and now she will be a junior at Villanova. That is what cancer does to you: it steals your dreams of the future. I have heard so often to "just enjoy today", "live for the moment", "be thankful for what you have", etc. I do, to all of those. But I also want to live a long life. I was told that probably would not be the case. That was several years ago.
Repeat: that WAS SEVERAL YEARS AGO!
Here I am tonight, exhausted from this past week.
How great is that?!
Goodnight.
Ken had to travel all this week, so I was a one-woman show. My days included shuttling to and from school, three baseball games, MBSR class, book group at my house, two meetings at my house, Junior Prom, 20 hours of work... oh, did I mention Junior Prom?
Torrie attended his Junior Prom with his delightful friend, Bridget, on Friday. Tessa was a huge help and took him for final alterations and pick-up of his tuxedo on Wednesday, while I was at a meeting. Torrie looked very pleased with himself when I arrived home, but wouldn't let me see his tux until he was fully dressed for Prom. Ken had taken him the week prior to pick out his duds ("Honey, this is one of those 'big life moments', so no arguing with Torrie.. just be the 'yes man' and hand over the cash"), so I was dying to see him in it and he knew it. I worked at Giftology until 2:30, then zoomed to pick up Bridget's corsage and back home to be at our first of 4 (!) stops for pictures. I barreled into the house and there he was looking just amazing. My little guy was no longer a little guy, he was now my extremely handsome, big guy! Wow, when did THAT happen?
The next couple of hours was a blur of pictures, smiles, high fives and blushes. The girls were exquisite, elegant and gorgeous. The guys handsome, debonair and charming. Somewhere in the middle of taking pictures, I had a brief flash forward of days to come. As I saw him posed in one of the guys only shots, I had a vision of all of his friends lined up exactly the same, but at one of each other's weddings. Cue the tears.
A few years ago, I would not let myself even begin to think of Torrie's and Tessa's wedding days, let alone even their prom days. I never even thought that I would see Tessa graduate from high school and now she will be a junior at Villanova. That is what cancer does to you: it steals your dreams of the future. I have heard so often to "just enjoy today", "live for the moment", "be thankful for what you have", etc. I do, to all of those. But I also want to live a long life. I was told that probably would not be the case. That was several years ago.
Repeat: that WAS SEVERAL YEARS AGO!
Here I am tonight, exhausted from this past week.
How great is that?!
Goodnight.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
The Unpleasantness of Unpleasantness
I have an assignment for MBSR this week to notice and write down one unpleasant thing that occurs each day. As soon as our instructor gave us this assignment, I realized I had my first unpleasant experience! I really don't like this assignment, it makes me uncomfortable. Our instructor, her name is Kate, probably knew this was likely to happen, thus that is why it is the assignment, I assume. I still don't like it.
I've spent the past few years really trying to think about everything but unpleasant things. I have worked very hard to concentrate on positive, life-enhancing, zen producing things. For a nasty time in my life, unpleasant thoughts consumed me.
My life has been challenging. My lovely, young mother passed away when I was only 12 years old form cancer. I was the oldest of three girls that my alcoholic father did his best to raise. Ultimately, that proved too difficult for him and he committed suicide in our home. My youngest sister, barely 16 found him. We were now orphans, and we basically scattered, each of us trying to find a place of comfort and safety. Amazingly, we grew up, married and started families, but the scars of our childhood ran deep and often tore open.
I married Ken and at age 30 gave birth to beautiful Tessa. At age 34, while pregnant with Torrie, I got breast cancer. My life with Ken and my children has been exceptional. I bulldozered through 14 years of fighting reoccurring cancer like a trooper, then a few years ago, I hit a wall. A big, dark, ugly wall.
I started feeling jittery, antsy and scatterbrained. Sometimes my pulse would race and my throat would feel tight. I thought I was having heart problems. It turned out to be anxiety and it got worse, every day. With the anxiety came a feeling of "nothingness". It was like someone had turned the light off inside of my soul. I no longer felt attached to my husband, to my children, or to God. I could no longer feel His presence. It was a darkness I had never felt before and never want to feel again. I was beginning to get a glimpse of what my father described in the letter he left behind and it terrified me.
Thank goodness, no, thank God, I had the wherewithal to seek help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, in addition to PTSD. All of the feelings that I had snuffed barreling through cancer, chemo, radiation, procedures and surgeries finally caught up with me. The fear I had never let myself experience had me in a paralyzing grip. For a while.
After some medication, time and much prayer, the God that carried me and left only one set of footprints, helped me to find my way out of the heavy, dreary grayness, and back to the brilliant light that is called LIFE.
That was three years ago, and that was the catalyst of my returning to school and becoming a certified Pastoral Counselor. My desire is to help those whose souls have been battered and want to become whole again. Even as challenges present themselves to me and my health, I now have the tools to meet these obstacles, and accept without being consumed by them.
So yes, I don't like to focus on the negative things each day, but for the assignment, I will.
Today, our new pup Bella had an accident in the dining room. It was unpleasant. Very unpleasant.
Assignment done!
Kim
I've spent the past few years really trying to think about everything but unpleasant things. I have worked very hard to concentrate on positive, life-enhancing, zen producing things. For a nasty time in my life, unpleasant thoughts consumed me.
My life has been challenging. My lovely, young mother passed away when I was only 12 years old form cancer. I was the oldest of three girls that my alcoholic father did his best to raise. Ultimately, that proved too difficult for him and he committed suicide in our home. My youngest sister, barely 16 found him. We were now orphans, and we basically scattered, each of us trying to find a place of comfort and safety. Amazingly, we grew up, married and started families, but the scars of our childhood ran deep and often tore open.
I married Ken and at age 30 gave birth to beautiful Tessa. At age 34, while pregnant with Torrie, I got breast cancer. My life with Ken and my children has been exceptional. I bulldozered through 14 years of fighting reoccurring cancer like a trooper, then a few years ago, I hit a wall. A big, dark, ugly wall.
I started feeling jittery, antsy and scatterbrained. Sometimes my pulse would race and my throat would feel tight. I thought I was having heart problems. It turned out to be anxiety and it got worse, every day. With the anxiety came a feeling of "nothingness". It was like someone had turned the light off inside of my soul. I no longer felt attached to my husband, to my children, or to God. I could no longer feel His presence. It was a darkness I had never felt before and never want to feel again. I was beginning to get a glimpse of what my father described in the letter he left behind and it terrified me.
Thank goodness, no, thank God, I had the wherewithal to seek help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, in addition to PTSD. All of the feelings that I had snuffed barreling through cancer, chemo, radiation, procedures and surgeries finally caught up with me. The fear I had never let myself experience had me in a paralyzing grip. For a while.
After some medication, time and much prayer, the God that carried me and left only one set of footprints, helped me to find my way out of the heavy, dreary grayness, and back to the brilliant light that is called LIFE.
That was three years ago, and that was the catalyst of my returning to school and becoming a certified Pastoral Counselor. My desire is to help those whose souls have been battered and want to become whole again. Even as challenges present themselves to me and my health, I now have the tools to meet these obstacles, and accept without being consumed by them.
So yes, I don't like to focus on the negative things each day, but for the assignment, I will.
Today, our new pup Bella had an accident in the dining room. It was unpleasant. Very unpleasant.
Assignment done!
Kim
Monday, May 11, 2015
Monday, fun day!
All day long today, I've had the song Manic Monday by the Bangles, playing in my head. Remember the lyrics? "I wish it was Sunday, 'cause that's my fun day, and I don't have to run day"...
Felt like I was already running when the alarm went off. Crazy busy with little jobs around the house (where is Torrie's uniform for tonight's game?!?), meet a friend for a "working" lunch that goes 45 min. longer than I had planned, phone calls, Florist for corsage for Prom, FedEx, forget something (#@$&*!), back to Fed EX, emails, Stop and Shop (forget dog food ,@#$%&*!), and finally to CLASS.
My MBSR Class. That is, my Mindful Based Stress Reduction Class. Ha!
I enrolled in this class earlier this winter with the hope of learning a new method to help cope with the chronic pain I have been in. It is an 8-week, 2 1/2 hour class offered by the Copper Beech Institute in West Hartford, CT. It is based on the research and writings of Jon Kabat-Zinn and the subject of his best selling book, Full Catastrophe Living. Research indicates that the majority of the people who complete the course (more than 20,000 have already) report: Lasting decreases in physical and psychological symptoms, increased ability to relax, reduction in pain levels and an enhanced ability to cope with pain that may not go away, greater energy and enthusiasm for life and an ability to cope more effectively with both short and long-term stressful situations. SOLD!!
The irony is that I almost have a coronary every Monday just trying to get there! It is truly amazing that I am struggling to find the way to carve out time for the class and the 45-90 minute daily home practices.
Right now I am feeling an underlying current of frantic as I begin the countdown to my surgery. There are so many things that I had planned to do this summer because of being laid up last summer. DIY projects, getting Tessa ready for her apartment at Villanova, painting the patio, purging the basement, re-seeding the yard, birthday bash for Torrie, birthday bash for Ken, 20th Anniversary celebration for us; all going to be put on hold. Again. Except for the anniversary thing. Five more weeks. Laid up. Lots of pain, for a long time. Big sigh. I should also include that I am weaning myself off of caffeine and sugar - loads of fun.
I am learning a lot in the class. The instructor is remarkable. We have been practicing a 'body scan" as a form of relaxation which involves lying down with eyes closed and slowly visioning each part of the body beginning with each toe, all the way up to the top of the head. I routinely fall asleep at the ankles and wake up around mid chest. I sincerely hope that I don't drool or snore, it would be so embarrassing.
Everyone is kind and tells me that I shouldn't worry about things, that all of the important stuff will be taken care of one way or another. In my head, I know that they are right. I just wish I could tell my heart that.
In floor yoga tonight, when it came to roll onto our bellies to continue, I could not. A feeling of sadness came over me. In a few weeks, I won't even be doing the little yoga I am doing now. I pictured the walker and cane in my near future (pink, of course). I remembered the athlete I used to be...
But then, what I have learned in the course came to me. Just be in the moment... now. Breathe.
No judgement; just be.
Relax.
Trust God.
It'll be ok.
Exhale...
Felt like I was already running when the alarm went off. Crazy busy with little jobs around the house (where is Torrie's uniform for tonight's game?!?), meet a friend for a "working" lunch that goes 45 min. longer than I had planned, phone calls, Florist for corsage for Prom, FedEx, forget something (#@$&*!), back to Fed EX, emails, Stop and Shop (forget dog food ,@#$%&*!), and finally to CLASS.
My MBSR Class. That is, my Mindful Based Stress Reduction Class. Ha!
I enrolled in this class earlier this winter with the hope of learning a new method to help cope with the chronic pain I have been in. It is an 8-week, 2 1/2 hour class offered by the Copper Beech Institute in West Hartford, CT. It is based on the research and writings of Jon Kabat-Zinn and the subject of his best selling book, Full Catastrophe Living. Research indicates that the majority of the people who complete the course (more than 20,000 have already) report: Lasting decreases in physical and psychological symptoms, increased ability to relax, reduction in pain levels and an enhanced ability to cope with pain that may not go away, greater energy and enthusiasm for life and an ability to cope more effectively with both short and long-term stressful situations. SOLD!!
The irony is that I almost have a coronary every Monday just trying to get there! It is truly amazing that I am struggling to find the way to carve out time for the class and the 45-90 minute daily home practices.
Right now I am feeling an underlying current of frantic as I begin the countdown to my surgery. There are so many things that I had planned to do this summer because of being laid up last summer. DIY projects, getting Tessa ready for her apartment at Villanova, painting the patio, purging the basement, re-seeding the yard, birthday bash for Torrie, birthday bash for Ken, 20th Anniversary celebration for us; all going to be put on hold. Again. Except for the anniversary thing. Five more weeks. Laid up. Lots of pain, for a long time. Big sigh. I should also include that I am weaning myself off of caffeine and sugar - loads of fun.
I am learning a lot in the class. The instructor is remarkable. We have been practicing a 'body scan" as a form of relaxation which involves lying down with eyes closed and slowly visioning each part of the body beginning with each toe, all the way up to the top of the head. I routinely fall asleep at the ankles and wake up around mid chest. I sincerely hope that I don't drool or snore, it would be so embarrassing.
Everyone is kind and tells me that I shouldn't worry about things, that all of the important stuff will be taken care of one way or another. In my head, I know that they are right. I just wish I could tell my heart that.
In floor yoga tonight, when it came to roll onto our bellies to continue, I could not. A feeling of sadness came over me. In a few weeks, I won't even be doing the little yoga I am doing now. I pictured the walker and cane in my near future (pink, of course). I remembered the athlete I used to be...
But then, what I have learned in the course came to me. Just be in the moment... now. Breathe.
No judgement; just be.
Relax.
Trust God.
It'll be ok.
Exhale...
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mothers Day 2015
**My dear friend Tom Festa has set up a Facebook Community page to follow my blog! You can reach my page at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kim- and follow and comment on my posts. I look forward to hearing from you!
Such a wonderful day began with me waking up without an alarm and after 6:00 a.m, yesss. It was so sunny and the birds were chirping happily and everyone was still asleep, even Brutus and Bella. Peace, calm, nice. Sweet cards and longer than normal hugs, perfect.
My plan was to spend the day in the garden and put the screens in the porch and officially open it for the summer. During the winter, my three season porch becomes a large walk-in refrigerator/storage area. During the spring and summer, it is where we spend the most time. As I was putzing around, I reflected back on memories I had of my mother, Carol, and the Mothers Day mornings I spent with her. They were precious few, as she passed away from cancer when I was 12, she was just 37.
She was a beautiful woman, who adored her girls, pets, cooking and gardening. I shared with Tessa while we were outside, that some of my fondest and strongest memories of my mom are of her in our yard, moving and splitting plants the way someone might rearrange furniture. She loved to share her plants with her mom and sister in law, and knew the names of every plant she came across. I was enchanted by her...
So here I am, not a child, but a mother, spending the day in my garden with my daughter. I wonder if my mother felt as happy with me as I did today with my sweet Tessa.
Happy Mothers Day!
Kim
Such a wonderful day began with me waking up without an alarm and after 6:00 a.m, yesss. It was so sunny and the birds were chirping happily and everyone was still asleep, even Brutus and Bella. Peace, calm, nice. Sweet cards and longer than normal hugs, perfect.
My plan was to spend the day in the garden and put the screens in the porch and officially open it for the summer. During the winter, my three season porch becomes a large walk-in refrigerator/storage area. During the spring and summer, it is where we spend the most time. As I was putzing around, I reflected back on memories I had of my mother, Carol, and the Mothers Day mornings I spent with her. They were precious few, as she passed away from cancer when I was 12, she was just 37.
She was a beautiful woman, who adored her girls, pets, cooking and gardening. I shared with Tessa while we were outside, that some of my fondest and strongest memories of my mom are of her in our yard, moving and splitting plants the way someone might rearrange furniture. She loved to share her plants with her mom and sister in law, and knew the names of every plant she came across. I was enchanted by her...
So here I am, not a child, but a mother, spending the day in my garden with my daughter. I wonder if my mother felt as happy with me as I did today with my sweet Tessa.
Happy Mothers Day!
Kim
Thursday, May 7, 2015
It's Time to Write!
I'm putting my journals aside and picking up the keyboard (again)!
A very wise person suggested that as one more way to try to reduce stress and anxiety in regards to my health, I should begin writing about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. I totally agree. So here I sit, beginning to write and truly hoping that the stress emotions will subside and I will begin to relax into the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard.
I started this blog a long time ago, an extremely long time ago if you are living with stg. 4 cancer! Must pause here to give thanks...
It seems surreal to read back over my life back then, I truly have come a long way. But now, one of my biggest obstacles lies ahead of me. A big surgery, a really big surgery. Since my hysterectomy back in 2001, I have been plagued with hernias. Last May, I had my 7th hernia repair. It, too, was a big surgery. The hernia was so large that my bladder was actually resting in the hernia sack. The abdominal muscles had rolled back like snapped rubber bands. Old mesh had pulled away and was encased in scar tissue and had to be delicately removed. New mesh was inserted and attached to the bone. Recovery included two more surgeries due to MRSA infection.
Fast forward: I have been in almost intolerable pain since November. Swelling and hardening of the entire area where mesh is. Doctors don't know why. No one wants to operate on me. Palliative care, pain patches, more complications. Latest CAT scan shows 4 NEW abdominal hernias and 2 pelvic floor hernias. Must now self-catheterize, at times excruciating abdominal pain in spite of patch. More medicine. I feel as if my abdomen is dissolving...
The newest hernia is protruding out the left side of my abdomen. A new (to me) surgeon at Yale examines me...he says that he can help me!
He believes that there is an infection that is residing in my abdomen that is yet undectectable on bloodwork. Very much like the infection that burrowed slowly into my heart from the tip of the catheter of my port a few years ago. A "stable warzone" he describes it as. Everything must come out. Hernias, mesh and, unfortunately, most of the muscle in my abdomen. A new abdominal wall will be created by a plastic surgeon at the same time, by using muscle from my thighs and buttocks. Ouch and big ouch!
Deep breath.
I've got a little over a month to prepare for the big event and I thought I would detail it here. Somewhere, somewhere in all of this is a big life lesson... I'm searching hard for it.
Peace,
Kim
A very wise person suggested that as one more way to try to reduce stress and anxiety in regards to my health, I should begin writing about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. I totally agree. So here I sit, beginning to write and truly hoping that the stress emotions will subside and I will begin to relax into the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard.
I started this blog a long time ago, an extremely long time ago if you are living with stg. 4 cancer! Must pause here to give thanks...
It seems surreal to read back over my life back then, I truly have come a long way. But now, one of my biggest obstacles lies ahead of me. A big surgery, a really big surgery. Since my hysterectomy back in 2001, I have been plagued with hernias. Last May, I had my 7th hernia repair. It, too, was a big surgery. The hernia was so large that my bladder was actually resting in the hernia sack. The abdominal muscles had rolled back like snapped rubber bands. Old mesh had pulled away and was encased in scar tissue and had to be delicately removed. New mesh was inserted and attached to the bone. Recovery included two more surgeries due to MRSA infection.
Fast forward: I have been in almost intolerable pain since November. Swelling and hardening of the entire area where mesh is. Doctors don't know why. No one wants to operate on me. Palliative care, pain patches, more complications. Latest CAT scan shows 4 NEW abdominal hernias and 2 pelvic floor hernias. Must now self-catheterize, at times excruciating abdominal pain in spite of patch. More medicine. I feel as if my abdomen is dissolving...
The newest hernia is protruding out the left side of my abdomen. A new (to me) surgeon at Yale examines me...he says that he can help me!
He believes that there is an infection that is residing in my abdomen that is yet undectectable on bloodwork. Very much like the infection that burrowed slowly into my heart from the tip of the catheter of my port a few years ago. A "stable warzone" he describes it as. Everything must come out. Hernias, mesh and, unfortunately, most of the muscle in my abdomen. A new abdominal wall will be created by a plastic surgeon at the same time, by using muscle from my thighs and buttocks. Ouch and big ouch!
Deep breath.
I've got a little over a month to prepare for the big event and I thought I would detail it here. Somewhere, somewhere in all of this is a big life lesson... I'm searching hard for it.
Peace,
Kim
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