A Really Bad Dream...Or Not.

Have you ever woken up from a really bad dream, heart racing, so relieved it was just a dream and that whatever dreadful thing that was happening to you was now over? Me, too. Except for yesterday...

Yesterday, I tried to wake up... to be out of the dream of that cramped waiting room with the doctor that just kept rambling about hernias and CT scans and possible muscle involvement. Talking about not knowing about how exactly to proceed, about bringing in another surgeon, about pain. I kept trying to wake up and so did Ken, but we couldn't, because this was not a bad dream. This was our day yesterday.

Our really bad day, yesterday.

I am numb this morning. Also feeling disbelief, shock and awe, and a lot of frustration. Last week, in the middle of the night, I rolled over and felt a sharp pain in my upper belly, almost near my rib cage.
The next morning, I noticed a large lump in the same area. Holy S#@%! I instantly shifted into my favorite survival mode, denial, and went about my day. The next day, lump still there...no it can't be any bigger (good ole denial again), then Thursday...Ouch! That really hurts when I... (fill in the blank with any normal movement description). On Friday, I come out of denial and make the call to my surgeon (from here on out, he'll be surgeon #1). Amazingly, the office did take my call. Come in immediately, see you Monday.

So here's the poop (trying SO hard to keep the sense of humor that just started coming back to me after my ordeal a few months ago): Large hernia, high up in my abdomen, in a different place from the infected mesh area. The fascia is continuing to fall apart in my belly.

The CT scan on Friday, after chemo (fun day, huh?!), will show how big it is and whether there is muscle involvement. Don't quite know what that means and at this point, I don't really care. Surgeon #1 says "Kim, I don't really know what to do..." Gotta love an honest surgeon. So consultation with Surgeon #2 scheduled. Surgeon #2 is not my favorite guy, but he's the best and most likely the ONLY surgeon in the world that would dare operate on my ticking time bomb. The wound from my MRSA infection is not even completely healed yet, no sane surgeon would want a piece of me.

So, my favorite part, the waiting, begins.

Surgeon #2 is in a third world country giving children back their smiles (ok, I like him a little better) and therefore, cannot see me until February 25. So I will wait...

I will wait while wearing a brace that has the wonderful side effect of taking a couple of inches off my waistline, but makes breathing a challenge. I will wait while starting my pre-op training which means consuming as much protein and veggies as humanly possible. I will also start a prevention regime of antibiotics to get me through cold and flu season, while I wait.

And while I wait, I will try not to be afraid. I will try not to wonder why, why, why???!!!
I will meditate often to keep anxiety low and as with everything else, I will turn my safekeeping and wellbeing over to God. One of my readings today stated, 'My light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark, when things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway'.

Things just seem really wrong today....

Kim

This tiny piece of paper has been with me a long time.

May Zen Be With You!

Happy New Year!

I can honestly say that I was trying to speed up the final seconds of 2015 last night, just to leap into the New Year. The year of 2015 was definitely a tough one for me and my family, but we made it through and I am a better person for it.

I spent most of this morning after my prayers and readings, looking back through my devotionals, re-reading pages that I had dogeared or put a sticky note on. I am still touched by the wisdom of these pages and how much comfort and inspiration I found in them. I do wish I had the memory I used to have before chemo brain and age took their toll so that I could recall them at will. For now, I will continue to jot them down on small slips of paper that find themselves scattered around my desk. I also looked at the journal I kept with me while I was hospitalized for so many weeks. Sometimes my writings were clear and meaningful, others, barely legible, instantly took me back to the pain and disorientation caused by MRSA and medications. I was a very sick woman in 2015. At times, I questioned God "why"? Why all of this suffering? Yet, deep inside my soul, I knew that profound growth would come from my ordeal, just as it always had from my challenges in the past.

And I was right.

In the course of the year, as I bounced from doctor to doctor, trying to find the cause of the unrelenting pain in my abdomen, I learned so much about myself. As my ability to do the things that I have always loved to do, such as gardening, exercising, even cleaning (?!), diminished, my strength and determination and belief in myself, grew. The more my physical world lessened, the more my spiritual world grew. In a way, I was able to clean my house (my body, mind) to make way for infinitely more important things such as peace, compassion, and mindfulness.

During the late spring, I began preparing for what I was told would be a very complicated and challenging operation. Operation: single, meaning one. One hospitalization, one surgery, one recovery. I changed my diet, eliminating sugar and caffeine, loading up on protein. I stopped my chemo a month before surgery to let my immune system build up. I walked as much as I could, rested and began meditating seriously...with a goal to make my surgery and recovery as bearable as possible. I trained for that operation as a runner would train for a marathon. My main goal was to reach the finish line as intact and with as little pain as possible. I was in the best possible shape for surgery as one could be. Little did I know, I was beginning my own marathon...

You know the rest of my story... so many complications and screwups, hospital acquired MRSA, mistakes resulting in two more surgeries, six weeks of hospitalization, massive infection resulting in permanent disability, financial ruin. Not so good of a year...

But I have never been happier or felt more blessed in my life.

I began meditating years ago as a way to take my prayer life to a deeper level. Waiting to hear from God, hoping to feel His presence. Before surgery, I started to research ways of using meditation to cope with pain. I discovered Jon Kabat-Zinn and his work. I took his MBSR course. I began practicing mindfulness and studying the teachings of the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh
. I found my tools for my operation, then peace found me.

The Dalai Lama writes: "Encountering suffering will definitely contribute to the elevation of your spiritual practice, provided you are able to transform the calamity and misfortune into the path". I tried so hard to learn something from my challenges. I often became aware of character flaws that I needed to work on such as being impatient, being judgemental, holding resentments, being ungrateful. I felt at times that I was being submerged in the dark places of my soul, I needed to be made aware so that I could begin to repair and change. As my body began to heal, so did my soul.

I tried to consider my circumstances as transitory, like ripples in a pool, they would appear and then disappear. I used everything that I learned to help ease my pain and it truly worked. During every procedure, the twice daily excruciating packing and bandage changes, and every poke and prod, I used the techniques I had practiced for so long, to help ease my pain and suffering. And now, by the grace of God, I am able to teach others from what I have learned and experienced.

I have been leading a weekly Mindfulness Meditation session that I began before I had surgery. Since surgery, the class has really taken shape and brings me such joy. We can only learn by experience and none of our experience is completely wasted. I can humbly thank God for all of my challenges this year. As I was worrying about what I could not do anymore since surgery, God was already putting a plan together for me. I have found my purpose. I am to share my experience to bring others hope and peace. I am to share the techniques I have learned to bring calmness and happiness to others. My meditation practice has saved me and changed me. It is my pleasure to share that with others.

The year 2016 contains 8760 hours. I plan to spend AT LEAST 52 of those hours meditating with friends. Want to join me?

Namaste.
Kim