Yesterday, I tried to wake up... to be out of the dream of that cramped waiting room with the doctor that just kept rambling about hernias and CT scans and possible muscle involvement. Talking about not knowing about how exactly to proceed, about bringing in another surgeon, about pain. I kept trying to wake up and so did Ken, but we couldn't, because this was not a bad dream. This was our day yesterday.
Our really bad day, yesterday.
I am numb this morning. Also feeling disbelief, shock and awe, and a lot of frustration. Last week, in the middle of the night, I rolled over and felt a sharp pain in my upper belly, almost near my rib cage.
The next morning, I noticed a large lump in the same area. Holy S#@%! I instantly shifted into my favorite survival mode, denial, and went about my day. The next day, lump still there...no it can't be any bigger (good ole denial again), then Thursday...Ouch! That really hurts when I... (fill in the blank with any normal movement description). On Friday, I come out of denial and make the call to my surgeon (from here on out, he'll be surgeon #1). Amazingly, the office did take my call. Come in immediately, see you Monday.
So here's the poop (trying SO hard to keep the sense of humor that just started coming back to me after my ordeal a few months ago): Large hernia, high up in my abdomen, in a different place from the infected mesh area. The fascia is continuing to fall apart in my belly.
The CT scan on Friday, after chemo (fun day, huh?!), will show how big it is and whether there is muscle involvement. Don't quite know what that means and at this point, I don't really care. Surgeon #1 says "Kim, I don't really know what to do..." Gotta love an honest surgeon. So consultation with Surgeon #2 scheduled. Surgeon #2 is not my favorite guy, but he's the best and most likely the ONLY surgeon in the world that would dare operate on my ticking time bomb. The wound from my MRSA infection is not even completely healed yet, no sane surgeon would want a piece of me.
So, my favorite part, the waiting, begins.
Surgeon #2 is in a third world country giving children back their smiles (ok, I like him a little better) and therefore, cannot see me until February 25. So I will wait...
I will wait while wearing a brace that has the wonderful side effect of taking a couple of inches off my waistline, but makes breathing a challenge. I will wait while starting my pre-op training which means consuming as much protein and veggies as humanly possible. I will also start a prevention regime of antibiotics to get me through cold and flu season, while I wait.
And while I wait, I will try not to be afraid. I will try not to wonder why, why, why???!!!
I will meditate often to keep anxiety low and as with everything else, I will turn my safekeeping and wellbeing over to God. One of my readings today stated, 'My light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark, when things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway'.
Things just seem really wrong today....
Kim
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| This tiny piece of paper has been with me a long time. |
7 comments:
Oh my golly, Kim. That is such a very difficult journey to be traveling. I do hope that your sharing with all of us helps in some way to lighten your burden, and Ken's.
You are an amazing witness of faith and vulnerability, along with authenticity. Please know you are in our prayers and thoughts and will continue to be all along the way. Love and blessings, Evelyn and Tom
Thank you Evelyn!
Hugs and prayers and lots of love. God is on your side and what better scenario can you ask for!!
Oh no, Kim, I wish you didn't have to go through this again! Your courage is such an inspiration to me. Holding you in the light...all good thoughts and prayers coming your way.
Kim, I feel miserable and frustrated for you. Not fair! I also feel blessed to have you in my life and profoundly grateful that you use your extraordinary writing skills to tell the truth as best you know it. I will be here, waiting with you.
Okay. This sucks. I am so so sorry to read this BUT I have to THANK YOU yet again. You put me in check. I have been suffering with a migraine for 3 days and have been a baby. I started botox injections 3 months ago with great results and was to have a second round 2 weeks ago. I missed that appointment because Lexi was sick. Well, that was not good. It seems the botox injections work for me but need to be administered EVERY 3 months. So I have been on my pity pot these past few days due to this awful migraine. Well, nothing compared to what you have been through. So I will put my big girl panties on and smile through the pain and get to the doctor and have my injections and start over. Bless you, my first best friend. I am terribly sorry for your ordeal. Not fair at all! Thank you for sharing and allowing us into your heart and your journey. I truly love you, Kim, and continue to pray for your strength and healing!
After reading a number of your posts and the replies from your network, it is so easy to observe how relentlessly you are transforming an agonizing life's journey into 'the wonder of it all'. Thank you for sharing your deep-rooted self-encouragement. This one supporter feels your circular healing power as I am sure do you, and as does your incredible support network that is so committed to strengthening it further.
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