Front Row Seat

As continuing education of my Pastoral Counseling certification, I am attending a conference at the New England Institute of Addiction Studies.....

I love to do new things. Whether it be a new book, or a new project, or a new class, or job, or hobby, or cause, or friendship, or house or.. see the pattern? I just love the feeling that the beginning of something new gives you. The feeling of freshness, excitement, unlimited potential and of strength and passion. The beginning of something new is like having a fresh page in life, beautifully blemish free and just waiting for me to write upon it. I have enthusiasm for doing things, but it often comes with a cost.

My enthusiasm for doing things and doing things well, has served me nicely in life. In the past, I have been told that I have a 'great work ethic' or that I have natural ability to succeed. In some cases, with what was perceived as very little effort, I have become a top achiever, or most efficient, or fastest, tallest, strongest - whatever 'est' applied to that particular endeavor. The problem lies within the statement 'with what was perceived as very little effort', because this perception was not my reality.

For as long as I can remember, I have had very little self-confidence. Yet, deep down inside, I always knew I could or would complete my objective. I have never lacked in determination. In school, I always sat in the very front (still do to this day), not because I thought of myself as a smarty pants or teacher's pet, but the complete opposite; I sat there so that perhaps the teacher might call on a student that was seemingly not paying as close as attention as I was. Sometimes, it worked. Even though I was always more than prepared for my lessons, I always had a nagging doubt that I was not as prepared as everyone else, or as smart as everyone else. My records showed that I was an exceptional student, I just never felt like I was one.

This feeling of just not quite measuring up to everyone else has plagued me my entire life. Because of this feeling, I have put tremendous pressure on myself to plan for, prepare for and be the best that I could be at just about everything I have applied myself to. This is probably an acceptable formula for success in certain careers in life such as a professional athlete or something; just not for the typical stay at home mom!

I have done a lot of self-examination to discover the true roots of my wanting to people please, of being a 'yes' person and one who cringes at the thought of hurting someone's else feelings. I have wondered so many times why do I take on more responsibilities than I need to, why do I always push to the front of the pack instead of finding peace just cruising in the middle? Who are these 'invisible judges' that I am always trying to satisfy?

Of course, the answers lie deep in my childhood, the environment that I was raised in. I am living the life of a breast cancer survivor now, and I lived the life of a survivor then. After my mother passed away of cancer when I was just 12, my younger sisters and I were raised by an absentee, alcoholic father. He tried the best he could with what he knew how to do. The result for me was that I was mature beyond my years and learned to fake it until I made it. I did not learn how to do things, I was forced to do things. My skills in life came from life itself.

In the past two years, through a terrific Women's Adult Children of Alcoholics Group, I have learned the answers to why I have responded to situations the way I do and think the way that I think.
Due to being raised in a dysfunctional household I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and I often have guilt feelings when I stand up for myself instead of giving into others. I judge myself often quite harshly and I tend to be an approval seeker and try to keep peace in situations that are sometimes out of my control. Are these particularly bad traits to have? Not always... I tend to think that they help me to also be a kind person, willing to help another, and  person that you can count on. One thing I do know for sure... things (quirks) about myself sure make a lot more sense to me now!

So why am I sharing this now?

 Because I am sitting in the front row of a classroom, waiting for class to begin (I am early, of course) and some of those nagging feelings of inferiority are beginning to rise. Fortunately, I now have the tools to reroute my thinking. It is ironic that the topic of this course is "Effects of Parental Alcoholism on Adolescents". Despite not having many letters after my last name representing various degrees, I will probably be at the top of my class!


For more information go to www.adultchildren.org