Perspective

I know when true healing is beginning to happen in my body when I have 100 things on my mind that I would like to do, but my body says "Nope, ain't happening." Before true healing has begun, I am perfectly content to lie in the bed to the point that days blur together and my sleep cycle is mangled. Of course,  that is partly the medication's job, to make you rest and heal. But then you stop needing much medication and you want to jump up and join back in life.

It has been 7 weeks since the original surgery and 30 days since the second surgery for the abscess and insertion of the drain. During that time, Tessa moved to NYC for her new job,  Ken was involved in a car accident and Torrie left for his sophomore year at Providence College. I was so disappointed to not be able to go with the kids and help like I have in the past, and I am barely any help to Ken as well. I can't believe how much time has passed because I feel like surgery was about a week ago on the pain meter. And the icing on the cake is this despised drain that is identical to the one I dragged around for 4 months almost precisely a year ago.

My surgeon explained to Ken, my friend Gay and myself the extent of what he found during the 7-1/2 hour surgery. My intestines were so entangled that it took over 2 hours just to untangle and straighten them. He said it is truly a miracle that I never had an obstruction...or worse. There were fragments of old mesh, tacks, and staples left in from previous surgeries. My bladder and intestines had adhered to old mesh that had been left behind. He told us that he'd never seen anything like my mess and with palpable sincerity offered his sympathy for the pain I have been living with.

The kicker though was the fact that my recovery time will be about 10 months. What?! I will be able to drive and get back to the studio in September, but my body was really beaten up and it's going to take time.

As I was lying in the hospital bed that takes up a good portion of our living room this morning, I started thinking (I hadn't moved yet, so no pain). It's so beautiful out, I'd like to go for a walk. I made it through Big Y yesterday, relatively unscathed so I fantasized about a long walk through my neighborhood. I also wanted to get some mums for my deck, etc. Then I moved. Hello, pain. Poof, went most of my plans. I did take the dogs out. They do not understand their new routine of going out one at a time. I can't have them pull on the leash, Ken is the one armed bandit.

So I made a cup of coffee and turned on the morning news. Houston is underwater with so much more rain to come.

Dear God, please forgive me.
Forgive me for pouting about things I cannot do, like take a long walk on this gorgeous day, or plant flowers, or drive a car or clean my house.

Dear God, please be with the people of Houston and the surrounding towns. Many whose not only sidewalks to walk on are submerged, but also their whole homes and cars are too. They have lost everything. Their pain is too great to measure and will last so much longer than 10 months.

I am so blessed and I must continually remind myself of that.
Thank you, God, for all of the blessings you bestow on me each day, so many that I take for granted. Please hold those families in the Houston area in the palm of your hand.

Namaste.
Kim

Mother's Day 2017

Happy Mother's Day!

As I sit here this morning with my four-legged kids and a cup of coffee, I realized how different this Mother's Day is in comparison to those of past. Mainly, Tessa is not here. We will be joining her in a few days to celebrate her graduation from Villanova. I am beyond thrilled! but this is the first Mother's Day morning that I have woken up to and not had my entire family with me. Deep down, I know that as the kids continue to grow, succeed, and carve out lives of their own, there will be fewer and fewer Mother's Days that I wake up to having my children here for breakfast. On one hand, that makes me quite misty, but on the other hand, I am so grateful for the miracle of having been able to celebrate 22 Mother's Days.

I addition to being so grateful, I am really proud, too. Because isn't that the main goal of being a mother? To raise our kids to be strong, determined people that embrace leaving the nest and flying on their own? I love the people my kids have grown up to be. They are brilliant 'old souls'. I call them that because they have experienced so much in their lives already, and those experiences have grounded them and taught them lessons that many people my age haven't even learned yet. I so want to be like them when I grow up!

Our family has been through a lot these past few years. My continuing health battles, a loss of a longtime job and most recently, moving. Through it all, Tessa balanced a busy college life, with coming home and of being an incredible support to me. Torrie kept beautiful grades, excelled at sports and got into the college of his choice. They are amazing people that are able to handle so much. I have no doubt of their successes in the future.

I still have every handmade card the kids gave me. I still have every store bought one, too! I look at them and think of the time and effort that was put into them whether they were crafting them themselves, or picking out the perfect one at the store. They all have handwritten words that I will always cherish. One of my most favorite memories of Mother's Day in the past is that of the wooden pins that say 'Mom' on them that each of them made in kindergarten. One is a watering can, the other a lady bug. Each year, I would alternate which one I would wear to church, and the kids never let me forget which one I had worn the year before. I continued to do this, all the way to high school. the kids rolled their eyes, but deep down I think they really liked it. My pins are still in my jewelry chest. I'm toying with the idea of wearing Tessa's to graduation next weekend.

So I am filled with happy thoughts and memories today, as I hope that all of my friends that are mothers are, too. My heart is sad for mothers I know, that have lost a child and I pray for them for peace and comfort today.

Above all, I thank God for the miracles that He has given me that have allowed me to live this long and to raise my children to be wonderful adults.

Namaste,

Kim

Role Reversal

Since the beginning of the new year, I have incorporated a new book into my morning routine of prayer, meditation, and affirmations. It is a daily workbook that assists a person to see obstacles in their life that may be holding them back from being the person that they, and God, have intended them to be. Needless to say, I have had many obstacles on my road of life and I am more than willing to name them and change them!

Today's exercise was actually a reflection back on the prior week, to acknowledge progress and identify hurdles. I have been keeping a journal with this book and looking back on what I wrote last Sunday, I laughed out loud, at the innocence of what I wanted to happen and the reality that I have no control of what happens.

Tessa had returned to school on the Friday prior, and Ken was set to drive Torrie back to college on Monday - Martin Luther King Day. I wrote that as much as my heart was heavy that the kids would be out of the house, I was ready to get back to a 'normal schedule' of work, etc.  A "normal schedule"... why haven't I yet learned that those 2 words used together to describe my life, will NEVER be words to describe my life?

Leading up to last week, I had not been sleeping well. I had contracted the plague - bronchitis - over the holiday break. The coughing was horrible, especially at 2:30 am. Several nights I scurried downstairs as to not wake up the house during one of these coughing fits, which left me wide awake and thinking... worrying and praying.
About our future...

Ken and I have decided that this is the time to sell our home. For me, not being able to push, pull, lift, shove or twist anything over a gallon of milk means that I can no longer attend to the garden and yard. Ken is so busy trying to make up lost ground from losing his job last year, that he cannot be burdened by yard or snow either. It is time to downsize after twenty years. It is change, and it is so hard. But it must be done and for financial reasons, soon.

So Monday, after Ken returned Torrie to college, we sat crunching numbers for a  conference call with our mortgage broker for the next day. Ken also had to have a second phase of oral surgery for a dental implant that day. Tuesday morning we were both up and out, ready to meet back in the afternoon after his surgery, for the conference call.

Ken arrived home at 12:30 after stopping at CVS for prescriptions related to his oral surgery. Keep in mind, my husband has never had a cup of coffee, can leave a 6-pack of beer untouched in the refrigerator for months or years, and balks at taking a Tylenol. However, looking to the swollen cheek, I highly suggested that he take the dose of medicine he was prescribed for pain before the local anesthetic wore off. He took one pill with Cheerios and a banana at 12:45 and then another dose at 5:45 with a big bowl of mac and cheese. (I always think of the line in the movie Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase "I need to eat, so I can take my back pill!"). At 8:00 pm we were watching TV and he was reading a magazine and was completely fine. I took the pups and went to bed at 9:00 pm, like normal... there's that word again...

I was in that hazy stage of almost being asleep, but still aware of sounds, etc., when I heard a tremendous thump that I thought came from downstairs (Ken loves to snore so I sleep with ear plugs, so the sound and where it came from was distorted). I thought perhaps the cats (yes, we have 2 cats, also) had knocked something over, but the dogs were barking frantically, so I jumped up and ran out of our bedroom to see what had happened.
I opened our bedroom door and saw my worst nightmare...

Ken was laying splayed out on the landing outside of our bedroom. I screamed and ran to him. He was unconscious and totally unresponsive. I shook him and tried to find a pulse. I grabbed the house phone and called 911. The dogs were jumping on him, licking him, trying to get him to wake up... While crying and screaming for him to wake up and listening to the operator, I remembered CPR and began it. I couldn't get him to respond, I was screaming at him and at the operator and I felt the whole world coming down around me... this can't be happening to me... not again... I remembered trying to have my father come back to life after his suicide... caskets... funerals...NO!!!!!

The police arrived within a few minutes and Ken was coughing and mumbling when they got to him. Suddenly, there were so many people in my house, coming in every door. IV's, heart monitor, stretchers. Watching him be lifted down the stairs and out the front door, the Christmas decorations being yanked down and trampled on as they took him to the hospital.

I had to change (my pink Ho Ho Ho pj's needed to be replaced by leggings and a sweatshirt), secure the farm, grab my purse and out I went. Unbelievably, I beat the ambulance to the hospital as they were trying to stabilize Ken. I then had to wait until they brought him in from the ambulance bay and got him transferred and stabilized in the ER. My dear friend, Polly, met me and stayed by my side.

When I was finally able to go into him, he was breathing on his own, but had no idea who I was, could not follow simple commands, and could not speak. He was taken for a CT Scan of the brain and my prayers began, nonstop. Had he had a seizure, a stroke, what? He babbled like he was speaking a different language. Polly ran back to my house to get the phone number of the oral surgeon, and at 12:30 in the morning we spoke. Normal procedure, etc.
What had happened??

As the night progressed, he was being admitted. He could not remember our kid's names, dog's names, etc. He would try to speak but could only get a few words out before babbling again. Tests started to come back and they were coming back with good results. Blood enzymes showed no heart attack. CT scan came back normal. We started to look hard at the pain medicine and possible allergic reaction. He was stable and safe, so at 4:30 am, I left for an hour.

I got back to the house and it was like it had been preserved in time. The TV he had been watching in the den was still on blasting ESPN. The lights were on all over the house. The poor pups didn't know what was going on and why we weren't back snuggling under the comforter.
 It was so eerie.
I didn't like it.
 I sobbed.

My husband, who has had to come home countless times after leaving me in the hospital, was now in the hospital. Did he feel the same way when he used to come home? I was so tired, but I wanted to be right back to see the Drs when they made rounds. So many questions to have answered, I just wanted to close my eyes, so many phone calls to make.

My husband has endured this role for over 18 years. I was the patient, he was always the one wanting answers, wanting me to be better. It's easier to be the patient. Yes, more painful, but easier. The uncertainty that my husband has shouldered all of these years, the worry and stress he has carried alone is mind boggling. He never wavered.
He is my hero.
I can only hope to be more like him.

Unofficially, he suffered a severe reaction to the medications. He will still undergo a complete out- patient cardio and neuro work up. Officially, God, one more time, has provided us another miracle. Ken and I have been able to see each other and our experiences through each other's eyes. He has been able to see my view from the hospital and tests, pricks, prods, etc. I have been able to feel his stress and anxiety loving someone and wanting to take away their suffering.

As we move forward, having to sell our beautiful home, God has injected us with compassion for each other, that we may be able to help each other emotionally and physically through the next months. We each have a perspective and we have been given the unique ability to see them from each other's eyes. People shake their heads and ask me why do these things happen to you and your family? I no longer ask why, but accept things that happen, because God is at the steering wheel of our lives. Any of you that know Ken and me, know that having to downsize (i.e throw away, donate, sell, etc a lot of stuff) will be very difficult for us. We adore this home, leaving it will be heartbreaking.

So maybe the God that has given us miracle after miracle, has given us one more...showing us to be kind, loving and compassionate and look through each other's eyes going forward, and more importantly, through His eyes: The eyes of Love.

And most importantly, we have found that by turning our daily life over to the care and love of God, we can do anything.

Namaste,
Kim

Being Knocked Down and Getting Up - My 2016 Theme

I am really happy to see a fresh, new 2017 ahead of me.
Actually, I wrote similar words to that effect on January 1, 2016, about 2015.

2015 was a cakewalk (except nearly dying from MRSA in October 2015!) compared to this past year. Lots of potholes in the road and with the loss of Ken's job in March, I felt as if a sinkhole was threatening to devour us. Ups and downs, ups and downs... I really wanted off of the roller coaster. And at times, I was off.

Many great things happened in 2016, too. I started a business, made many new friends and contacts, and saw my youngest off to college. Then illness struck again out of the blue.

I opened Mindfulness and Matters on September 8, 2016 and on September 15 was in the hospital with an infection that is still stubbornly hanging on. I am much, much better; off of all IV meds and the horrible drain is gone, but I will be on oral antibiotics for an entire year. As I write this I am shaking my head because, in spite of being on almost every antibiotic available, I spent New Year's Eve home while Ken went solo to a party because of a wicked cold.

There's that roller coaster again.

Resilience is defined as the process of effectively coping with adversity, or in "Kim's Terms", getting up again and again after being punched in the teeth.

This morning while I was looking back over my journal from last year, I realized that a few things kept coming up that I feel helped me to nurture resilience in my life, so I thought I should jot them down for future reference for myself!

1. Sometimes, in spite of everything you are trying to do good for yourself, bad things just happen. It is no one's fault, they just happen. ACCEPTANCE that change (for good or bad) is a part of life and daily living is critical. Learn to go with the flow.

2. I always try to find the meaning in difficult situations. It has often taken me weeks or even months, to learn some of these lessons, but they were always there. Without fail.

3. I try to surround myself with positive people and relationships. Enough said.

4. Be optimistic. I usually give myself a 24-hour pity party if circumstances call for it. Whining, crying, etc. After that, it's kinda ridiculous to keep it up because that behavior is not going to change the circumstances and then I risk being one of those people that no longer fall into the category ' positive people and relationships'.

5. Make decisions. By making decisions, it gives you back a bit of power that you feel you have lost. For example, after going through a once a week procedure for several weeks that was brutally painful, I made the decision to insist on a PIC line and being fully anesthetized going forward each week. It was a pain in the butt for the Radiology Dept., but that was not my problem. Controlling my pain was my problem. Decision made, big girl panties pulled on!

6. Walk in Faith, not Fear. As I have written countless times before, the journey I am on is not about Why is this happening to me?, but rather, How is God going to help me through this? Fear is paralyzing and because it is an emotion most people want to avoid at all costs, we may internalize it as anger or sadness, which also will eventually take us out of the category of 'positive people and relationships'.

I have seen that through my own meditation practice, I was able to nurture these principles. This fall, when not able to be at the studio, my practice suffered and so did my ability to deal with some of my challenges. My creativity plummeted, even writing eluded me.
So I went right back to my basics:
Spending time alone with God first thing in the morning before looking at a phone, an email, etc.
Offering my day and myself up to whatever might be in my destiny that day.
Seek out a friend to talk to or be the friend someone needed to talk to.
Choose to be happy.

Make plans.

And have faith that all will be ok.
And it is.

Happy New Year!
Namaste,
Kim

How to be Normal??

I saved an old draft (very old. Oct. 2) ... the title was 'I Just Want To Feel Normal.'
Actually, that is a correction; it was titled "I Just Want To Be Normal".
Well, duh, that ain't happening sweetie.
You aren't.

Feel vs. Be... Where is the line drawn?

My last post from the hospital, feeling strong, invigorated, ready to tackle the world, was inspired from once again, not succumbing to infection. Sometimes, even in the worst case scenarios, we find the positives and feel invigorated to take on the world.
A little bit of MRSA, no problem!

I came home on a Friday just 3 weeks ago and couldn't wait to get back to my studio that I had left hanging in a lull after my 'soft opening'. By word of mouth and by local press (thank you, Ronni Newton!), my little studio and boutique were off to an amazing start! My sessions (or Sits, as I like to refer to) were filling up. I left the hospital and was so excited about the Grand Opening Celebration I had planned with another store in my building. It was only a few days away and there was a lot of work to be done.

Food, beverages and a beautiful night brought out so many people!
Everything looked wonderful...from the outside...
But me...
I was sooo tired.
Just smile... welcome all of my wonderful friends, just stand upright... don't wobble...

It was a huge success!
Friends that have been supporting me all of this time came out and the warmth and love I felt from them was the best medicine in the world. I was energized by the love and support and ready to take on the rest of the week. Except... I am still sick. Maybe if I don't talk about it...
Just keep going, hide the drain, forget the PIC line.. try to be 'normal'

I have this nasty drain attached to me.  I am supposed to feel great (thank God you're not in the hospital, blah blah blah) "You look beautiful"! etc.. "You hide it so well"
I feel nasty.
A brownish,  horrible color is draining into my drain and into other places that have ruined my incredible 'Marshall's Clearance Tops' that will make me look like whatever in my mind I am supposed to look like as an owner of a meditation studio.  Nasty stuff is draining from me from my wound and is certainly not safe to have around others.
 I feel despicable and dirty.
My wound has opened up again today while I was at the studio.
I am in tears on the way home having put yet another sign on my studio window indicating that I will not be there for the evening sessions.
Maybe no one will notice me scream at the top of my lungs in my car "WHY??" as I drive home with kleenex holding my belly together...

So the visiting nurse has come and I need to be at Yale first thing in the morning. I will be put under sedation so the likely hope of leading meditation tomorrow night is nil. And one more day, I will not live out my dream of helping others to learn to deal with adversity. But I know, I will learn more in the next 24 hours hours.

Because I trust and I belive.

Namaste.
Kim

Thoughts on Going Home

"Can you add a single moment your life by worrying?" Matthew 7:27

Anxiety is a thief.
The combination of fear and uncertainty robs us of drive, desire, compassion, and most importantly, peace.

What do we have to fear when we put our trust in Him?Believing in God doesb't mean we will never experience uncertainty. We will always incur situations that cause us fear, pain and worry. The key to our faith is to consciously Let Go (visualize) of our anxiety and fears instead, completely trust (it's scary at first!)God to provide forum needs in His time and in His way.

When we dob't give away our anxieties (or don't COMPLETELY giv them away) fear and doubt become entrenched in our thinking and develop into a stronghold. Then negative forces will dig in and use every resource to build up our apprehension. This is what anxiety looks like - a sense of fear that overwhelms our faith.

Someone who has not totally surrendered their anxieties to God sounds like this: "I know God is capable of dealing with the problems in my life, but I'm just not sure He will". Then they take back their anxiety by trying to fix their problems themselves.

God sees the beginning and the end of every situation that we face. He knows the root of our anxiety, the best way to calm our heart, and how to turn sadness into joy. "Cast all your worries upon him because He cares for you", 1Peter 5:7

He will do all of this for us without leaving our side, because He loves us deeply and wants to bless us with peace and calm. We have only to reach out our hearts to Him and trust.

Living by faith guarantees hardship when a person decides to totally surrender to God and try to listen to and obey at all times. This was a hard pill for me to swallow. For some reason, when I decided to trust God completely and stop worrying, I thought things would be easy, breezy. Not. Sometimes, we are made to make painful sacrifices. Often we have to go forward by faith in spite of challenges. It can be very hard to trust so completely...like we are helpless children once again.

We are assured by Scripture that adversity produces a deeper intimacy with God. "The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little", 1Peter 5:10. Obviously, God and I have a different definition for the words 'a little', but I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Every single health challenge, or any other adversity, not only have I come out of virtually unscathed, but also I have learned so many lessons and become even closer to God each time. He has a plan for my life, I am along for the ride.

Hardships are inevitable. We could try everything in our power to avoid them, but they will still occur.  However, these hardships are not for us to question 'Why, God?', but rather to state "I have only to remain still and God will fight for me", Exodus 14:14. We must meet the challenge head on and go forward in our faith.

"I have only to remain still"... remain still...sit for a while in quiet...be still.

On many mornings I felt wobbly because while in the hospital, I was looking at difficult times looming ahead. How can I work with this drain? How can I pull off this party on October 1 for everyone to see the studio? How would I manage the pain? Blah, blah,  blah... I was looking at the future through my eyes and mind and only with my strength. It looked impossible. Also, I was worrying about future issues and not focusing on just today. But finally, when I took the time each morning to close my eyes, breathe, and center myself in the present moment, that's where I found God, waiting for me. Since He is my strength, He can empower me to handle each task as it comes. He has the power to make this beat up body of mine perform near miraculous tasks for myself.

I must keep bringing my mind to the present moment.
Breathe. Find my anchor.
It is an amazing fact that only humans can anticipate a myriad of future events and possible worrisome scenarios. This ability is a blessing, but easily can become a curse. If we use our minds to worry about tomorrow, we are actually practicing unbelief - we haven't truly turned our will over to God. But each time we sit quietly and return our minds to the present moment, we allow God to take care of us  and the future. This is the core of mindfulness meditation. Stop planning, controlling, worrying.

A week ago, I was doubled over with infection in my belly and everything looked bleak as I anticipated what would happen to me.  But hour by hour, I began to see God's hand in mine and the miracles, once again, began happening to me.

Today, I am going home. Once again, I have emerged from a very bad situation, basically unscathed. I do have an annoying drain hanging from me until the infection is completely gone, but I look at it as some kind of touchstone, a constant reminder of how exceptional my recovery has been. For the fourth time in less than two years, I have fought MRSA and won. My last wonderful, 'really good' PET scan showed no cancer in my body, giving me the opportunity to stop treatment. And that allowed me to pursue my dream of opening a meditation studio to teach people the most important thing I've learned in my life: to remain still, to just Be, and allow God to fight for me.

I live for today, right now, right here. Infection could come back, or not; cancer could come back, or not. But I'm not going to add one more moment to my life worrying about it. I am in awe of all of the miracles God has blessed me with, especially my studio.

Miracles?
Or just maybe, God's Will for me.

Namaste.
Kim

Down in the Valley - Again.

I am writing from my bed, in the hospital, unbelievably, again. I have a massive infection in my belly, again. I am in a lot of pain and very scared and frustrated, again. And God will lead me out of this mess, again.

In spiritual terms, I am in the midst of a 'Valley Experience'. An experience where the hardship is so deep, that we find it almost impossible to stand and that the event can threaten to overwhelm us. Actually, it is almost impossible for me to stand because the drain that has been placed in my belly to drain the pus and gunk out, hurts like crazy when I move around.

Valley Experiences are not because of God, but rather give us the ability to draw closer to God as He leads us back up to the mountain top. I truly believe and have written about this before, that the closer and deeper that we walk along God's path (or Will) for us, the harder the devil tries to undermine our progress by throwing road blocks in our way. He certainly threw a big log at me last week.

I was almost giddy with pleasure at the success Mindfuless and Matters was experiencing during the soft opening that began September 7. People were coming to the meditation sessions and the boutique was selling lots of beautiful creations and gifts. I was going home each night happy and excited for the next day. I loved talking about the studio and was looking forward to going to a special ladies night out two Friday's ago to network and talk more. While I was getting ready to go out, I noticed a bump in my dress that  looked like an 'outsy' belly button. This was completely out of the ordinary because after last year's MRSA nightmare, I no longer have a belly button. It was at the very top of the large scar that is on my belly. I was rushed so I put it out of my mind and continued to get ready.

Over the weekend, my new belly button got a bit bigger and was a bit painful. I thought that perhaps I  had irritated an adhesion or it was new scar tissue. I felt great otherwise but called my Dr. on
Monday.  Of course with my luck, he was out of town. I made an appointment for the past first day he was back. I was not able to make it to the appointment  - I was already hospitalized.

I got home from the studio on Wednesday evening around 8:00 pm. I was ready for a long, hot shower, and then putting on my Deep Blue lotion. My lower back had started aching earlier in the
afternoon, I attributed it to a busy, long day. I woke up early Thursday to get showered and ready for 8:30 meditation. My back and groin were really aching and I was feeling kinda blah. I noticed a wet spot on my top and thought that's crazy, I know I dried completely off.

I lifted my top to look...
The room started spinning.

Pus and gunk were oozing rapidly out of  the top of my incision. I couldn't believe it. I grabbed a
towel and pressed it to the hole in my belly and called for Ken. I found some gauze pads and secured them with my old abdominal brace. I called my surgeon's answering service and waited for instructions. Do I go to the ER here or drive to Yale? I called my primary Doctor, she told me not to
wait and get down to Yale ER.


Because I have never been to the ER and NOT been admitted, I packed a bag. I now also knew something was very wrong. The pain in my lower back, the ache in my groin, the blah feeling, all were adding up to 'what the hell is going on'? How can his be? This is a bad dream, right?! And then the hardest part, calling Beth at Little Something Bakery and having her write a note to put on my door to the studio saying that it would be closed. Are you freaking kidding me?! And then fear walked back into my life.

It is the most unsettling feeling ever to be cruising along, feeling greater than great, happy, excited, etc., then realize something potentially deadly has been brewing undetected for weeks, possibly



months in my body. My most recent surgery was 4 months ago, almost exactly the amount of time it  took for my body to become infected from my original hernia repair two years ago. And one year ago to the day, I was on another floor of the hospital fighting for my life against MRSA. And now here I go again; down into the valley.

The doctor in the ER took one look at me and said I would be immediately admitted. He ordered a CT scan and broad spectrum antibiotics until cultures showed exactly what type of bacteria was infecting me. (Cultures take 3-5 days to grow out). It took 4 nurses and five sticks aided by ultrasound to get the IV in. The doctor lanced the area and so much stuff came out of my belly, I think I dropped a pant size.

Almost eight hours later, I was taken to my room. The pain was gaining momentum and I was starting to feel lousy. I was told that I would be going to Interventional Radioolgy to have a tube guided down to the infected area and a drain would then be sutured in place. As I waited, I began to get sicker and sicker. I was vomiting nonstop and sweat was pouring from me so much that my hair was soaked. By the time I reached radiology I was delirious and incoherent. Sepsis was setting in.

The rest of Friday is a blur to me. Somehow, Tessa arrived in my room. IV bags and tubes were
everywhere. My belly and my head were on fire. How had I gotten in such bad shape so quickly? I began praying....hard.

Friday night came and went, but I barely remember it . Nurses were constantly adding more IV bags and watching vital signs. I knew the night had passed when the nurses changed over their shifts. The fog I was in began clearing somewhat and I began to get some clarity and focus. I had dodged a bullet or even a bomb. Thank God I had an outward symptom of the infection. Had there not been, I would have become septic and that would have been disastrous. Once again, God had protected me.

The doctors explained their plan to Ken,Tessa and me. They absolutely did not want to perform surgery, because by doing so, it would only stir up and spread the infection all over the place. Instead,
they would irrigate my abscess cavity every few hours by flushing with an antibiotic mixture and let it drain out. In addition, three whoopass antibiotics would be rotated until the cultures grow out and more specific antibiotics would be brought in. After several days, and feeling confident that the infection is wiped out, I will go home with the drain and hopefully oral meds.
If not, a PIC line will be inserted and  I'll have IV treatments at home.

Or at the studio - because this will not deter me.

I truly believe God's promises that He will use every 'valley' I walk through to benefit me in someway. As much as I dislike the pain, fear and uncertainties and as much as I want to (and have done!) cry, yell, question and worry, I know God has this.  My valleys do not drive a wedge between me and God, in fact, they bring me closer to Him as I seek comfort, strength and peace from Him.

When I shut out my world and close my eyes and focus on God's presence, I can enjoy sitting with God in a heavenly realm. As I concentrate on God, His Spirit fills my mind with calm and peace. I refuse to worry. This wasteful practice weighs me down and blocks my awareness of God's presence.

I have studied the practice of mindfulness mediation with such a passion and look where it has brought me. I am able to use my practice in true times of fear and pain to invite God into my life to so that he can take my hand and lead me out of this valley and emerge even stronger in my relationship with Him and even more determined to make my business a success.

The devil isn't going to deter me this time, either.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and kind words.Thy mean so much to me.

Namaste.
Kim