Perspective

I know when true healing is beginning to happen in my body when I have 100 things on my mind that I would like to do, but my body says "Nope, ain't happening." Before true healing has begun, I am perfectly content to lie in the bed to the point that days blur together and my sleep cycle is mangled. Of course,  that is partly the medication's job, to make you rest and heal. But then you stop needing much medication and you want to jump up and join back in life.

It has been 7 weeks since the original surgery and 30 days since the second surgery for the abscess and insertion of the drain. During that time, Tessa moved to NYC for her new job,  Ken was involved in a car accident and Torrie left for his sophomore year at Providence College. I was so disappointed to not be able to go with the kids and help like I have in the past, and I am barely any help to Ken as well. I can't believe how much time has passed because I feel like surgery was about a week ago on the pain meter. And the icing on the cake is this despised drain that is identical to the one I dragged around for 4 months almost precisely a year ago.

My surgeon explained to Ken, my friend Gay and myself the extent of what he found during the 7-1/2 hour surgery. My intestines were so entangled that it took over 2 hours just to untangle and straighten them. He said it is truly a miracle that I never had an obstruction...or worse. There were fragments of old mesh, tacks, and staples left in from previous surgeries. My bladder and intestines had adhered to old mesh that had been left behind. He told us that he'd never seen anything like my mess and with palpable sincerity offered his sympathy for the pain I have been living with.

The kicker though was the fact that my recovery time will be about 10 months. What?! I will be able to drive and get back to the studio in September, but my body was really beaten up and it's going to take time.

As I was lying in the hospital bed that takes up a good portion of our living room this morning, I started thinking (I hadn't moved yet, so no pain). It's so beautiful out, I'd like to go for a walk. I made it through Big Y yesterday, relatively unscathed so I fantasized about a long walk through my neighborhood. I also wanted to get some mums for my deck, etc. Then I moved. Hello, pain. Poof, went most of my plans. I did take the dogs out. They do not understand their new routine of going out one at a time. I can't have them pull on the leash, Ken is the one armed bandit.

So I made a cup of coffee and turned on the morning news. Houston is underwater with so much more rain to come.

Dear God, please forgive me.
Forgive me for pouting about things I cannot do, like take a long walk on this gorgeous day, or plant flowers, or drive a car or clean my house.

Dear God, please be with the people of Houston and the surrounding towns. Many whose not only sidewalks to walk on are submerged, but also their whole homes and cars are too. They have lost everything. Their pain is too great to measure and will last so much longer than 10 months.

I am so blessed and I must continually remind myself of that.
Thank you, God, for all of the blessings you bestow on me each day, so many that I take for granted. Please hold those families in the Houston area in the palm of your hand.

Namaste.
Kim