I'm putting my journals aside and picking up the keyboard (again)!
A very wise person suggested that as one more way to try to reduce stress and anxiety in regards to my health, I should begin writing about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. I totally agree. So here I sit, beginning to write and truly hoping that the stress emotions will subside and I will begin to relax into the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard.
I started this blog a long time ago, an extremely long time ago if you are living with stg. 4 cancer! Must pause here to give thanks...
It seems surreal to read back over my life back then, I truly have come a long way. But now, one of my biggest obstacles lies ahead of me. A big surgery, a really big surgery. Since my hysterectomy back in 2001, I have been plagued with hernias. Last May, I had my 7th hernia repair. It, too, was a big surgery. The hernia was so large that my bladder was actually resting in the hernia sack. The abdominal muscles had rolled back like snapped rubber bands. Old mesh had pulled away and was encased in scar tissue and had to be delicately removed. New mesh was inserted and attached to the bone. Recovery included two more surgeries due to MRSA infection.
Fast forward: I have been in almost intolerable pain since November. Swelling and hardening of the entire area where mesh is. Doctors don't know why. No one wants to operate on me. Palliative care, pain patches, more complications. Latest CAT scan shows 4 NEW abdominal hernias and 2 pelvic floor hernias. Must now self-catheterize, at times excruciating abdominal pain in spite of patch. More medicine. I feel as if my abdomen is dissolving...
The newest hernia is protruding out the left side of my abdomen. A new (to me) surgeon at Yale examines me...he says that he can help me!
He believes that there is an infection that is residing in my abdomen that is yet undectectable on bloodwork. Very much like the infection that burrowed slowly into my heart from the tip of the catheter of my port a few years ago. A "stable warzone" he describes it as. Everything must come out. Hernias, mesh and, unfortunately, most of the muscle in my abdomen. A new abdominal wall will be created by a plastic surgeon at the same time, by using muscle from my thighs and buttocks. Ouch and big ouch!
Deep breath.
I've got a little over a month to prepare for the big event and I thought I would detail it here. Somewhere, somewhere in all of this is a big life lesson... I'm searching hard for it.
Peace,
Kim
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