Hurry Up Patience!!

I have really been focused on practicing the virtue of patience as of late. Through meditation (or just trying to meditate!), I have become aware of how impatient I can still become. This brings up red flags to me because in the past, when my life was over scheduled and too busy, life had a very effective way for me to slow down: I got sick.

I have never believed for one instant that my cancer is from God. In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I have cancer, and God is showing me how to become a better person in spite of it. He is showing me how to use my illness to help others and He is showing me how to use difficult times to take my faith and spirituality to a much deeper level.

For me, patience is not my ability to wait, but it is my ability (or lack of) to keep a good attitude while I wait. I found out last week that my surgery is being pushed back to the second week of July. One of my surgeons is going out of town for two weeks on vacation. What?!? Are you kidding me?? blah, blah, blah... was my initial reaction. After some time, I realized that this is probably a good thing.. a really good thing. First of all, I guess I would much rather have someone that is relocating pieces of muscle from my thighs to my belly, to be refreshed and well rested as opposed to stressed out and exhausted. duh. Secondly, it gives me more time. More time to enjoy the first part of summer with my family, more time to plan the next few months of recouping, and mainly, more time to learn to be patient.

In the same vein of patience is my ability to rest. It is difficult very difficult for me to rest and be still (the MBSR class is helping). I squirm if I sit down to watch television with Ken and don't also have something in my hands to do...knitting helps. Commercials are breaks to switch a load of laundry, let the dogs out or cleanup the kitchen. I am amazed at those who can just sit and watch for long lengths of time! I am okay at the theatre or a production, I guess at home I just always feel compelled to get up and move.

In my morning devotional readings today, two separate books mentioned resting. One was titled 'Our Responsibility to Rest', the other 'Be Refreshed'. I love the coincidence when that happens and believe that God is speaking to me through the written word. Resting in God is one of the hardest tasks we must undertake. "Resting" may sound easy, but it requires supernatural courage, since in our human weakness, we tend to fret and worry. Worry turns our minds away from trust in God. Patiently waiting for God to act is one of the supreme tests of our spiritual maturity. Only he understands every circumstance and knows the precise moment when answering our prayer is best for us. Sometimes it is so difficult to be patient!

Today I will try to REST in the knowledge that God has everything under control and be PATIENT while I wait for my 'surgery journey' to begin. I will ENJOY this delay!