I have an assignment for MBSR this week to notice and write down one unpleasant thing that occurs each day. As soon as our instructor gave us this assignment, I realized I had my first unpleasant experience! I really don't like this assignment, it makes me uncomfortable. Our instructor, her name is Kate, probably knew this was likely to happen, thus that is why it is the assignment, I assume. I still don't like it.
I've spent the past few years really trying to think about everything but unpleasant things. I have worked very hard to concentrate on positive, life-enhancing, zen producing things. For a nasty time in my life, unpleasant thoughts consumed me.
My life has been challenging. My lovely, young mother passed away when I was only 12 years old form cancer. I was the oldest of three girls that my alcoholic father did his best to raise. Ultimately, that proved too difficult for him and he committed suicide in our home. My youngest sister, barely 16 found him. We were now orphans, and we basically scattered, each of us trying to find a place of comfort and safety. Amazingly, we grew up, married and started families, but the scars of our childhood ran deep and often tore open.
I married Ken and at age 30 gave birth to beautiful Tessa. At age 34, while pregnant with Torrie, I got breast cancer. My life with Ken and my children has been exceptional. I bulldozered through 14 years of fighting reoccurring cancer like a trooper, then a few years ago, I hit a wall. A big, dark, ugly wall.
I started feeling jittery, antsy and scatterbrained. Sometimes my pulse would race and my throat would feel tight. I thought I was having heart problems. It turned out to be anxiety and it got worse, every day. With the anxiety came a feeling of "nothingness". It was like someone had turned the light off inside of my soul. I no longer felt attached to my husband, to my children, or to God. I could no longer feel His presence. It was a darkness I had never felt before and never want to feel again. I was beginning to get a glimpse of what my father described in the letter he left behind and it terrified me.
Thank goodness, no, thank God, I had the wherewithal to seek help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, in addition to PTSD. All of the feelings that I had snuffed barreling through cancer, chemo, radiation, procedures and surgeries finally caught up with me. The fear I had never let myself experience had me in a paralyzing grip. For a while.
After some medication, time and much prayer, the God that carried me and left only one set of footprints, helped me to find my way out of the heavy, dreary grayness, and back to the brilliant light that is called LIFE.
That was three years ago, and that was the catalyst of my returning to school and becoming a certified Pastoral Counselor. My desire is to help those whose souls have been battered and want to become whole again. Even as challenges present themselves to me and my health, I now have the tools to meet these obstacles, and accept without being consumed by them.
So yes, I don't like to focus on the negative things each day, but for the assignment, I will.
Today, our new pup Bella had an accident in the dining room. It was unpleasant. Very unpleasant.
Assignment done!
Kim
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
Monday, fun day!
All day long today, I've had the song Manic Monday by the Bangles, playing in my head. Remember the lyrics? "I wish it was Sunday, 'cause that's my fun day, and I don't have to run day"...
Felt like I was already running when the alarm went off. Crazy busy with little jobs around the house (where is Torrie's uniform for tonight's game?!?), meet a friend for a "working" lunch that goes 45 min. longer than I had planned, phone calls, Florist for corsage for Prom, FedEx, forget something (#@$&*!), back to Fed EX, emails, Stop and Shop (forget dog food ,@#$%&*!), and finally to CLASS.
My MBSR Class. That is, my Mindful Based Stress Reduction Class. Ha!
I enrolled in this class earlier this winter with the hope of learning a new method to help cope with the chronic pain I have been in. It is an 8-week, 2 1/2 hour class offered by the Copper Beech Institute in West Hartford, CT. It is based on the research and writings of Jon Kabat-Zinn and the subject of his best selling book, Full Catastrophe Living. Research indicates that the majority of the people who complete the course (more than 20,000 have already) report: Lasting decreases in physical and psychological symptoms, increased ability to relax, reduction in pain levels and an enhanced ability to cope with pain that may not go away, greater energy and enthusiasm for life and an ability to cope more effectively with both short and long-term stressful situations. SOLD!!
The irony is that I almost have a coronary every Monday just trying to get there! It is truly amazing that I am struggling to find the way to carve out time for the class and the 45-90 minute daily home practices.
Right now I am feeling an underlying current of frantic as I begin the countdown to my surgery. There are so many things that I had planned to do this summer because of being laid up last summer. DIY projects, getting Tessa ready for her apartment at Villanova, painting the patio, purging the basement, re-seeding the yard, birthday bash for Torrie, birthday bash for Ken, 20th Anniversary celebration for us; all going to be put on hold. Again. Except for the anniversary thing. Five more weeks. Laid up. Lots of pain, for a long time. Big sigh. I should also include that I am weaning myself off of caffeine and sugar - loads of fun.
I am learning a lot in the class. The instructor is remarkable. We have been practicing a 'body scan" as a form of relaxation which involves lying down with eyes closed and slowly visioning each part of the body beginning with each toe, all the way up to the top of the head. I routinely fall asleep at the ankles and wake up around mid chest. I sincerely hope that I don't drool or snore, it would be so embarrassing.
Everyone is kind and tells me that I shouldn't worry about things, that all of the important stuff will be taken care of one way or another. In my head, I know that they are right. I just wish I could tell my heart that.
In floor yoga tonight, when it came to roll onto our bellies to continue, I could not. A feeling of sadness came over me. In a few weeks, I won't even be doing the little yoga I am doing now. I pictured the walker and cane in my near future (pink, of course). I remembered the athlete I used to be...
But then, what I have learned in the course came to me. Just be in the moment... now. Breathe.
No judgement; just be.
Relax.
Trust God.
It'll be ok.
Exhale...
Felt like I was already running when the alarm went off. Crazy busy with little jobs around the house (where is Torrie's uniform for tonight's game?!?), meet a friend for a "working" lunch that goes 45 min. longer than I had planned, phone calls, Florist for corsage for Prom, FedEx, forget something (#@$&*!), back to Fed EX, emails, Stop and Shop (forget dog food ,@#$%&*!), and finally to CLASS.
My MBSR Class. That is, my Mindful Based Stress Reduction Class. Ha!
I enrolled in this class earlier this winter with the hope of learning a new method to help cope with the chronic pain I have been in. It is an 8-week, 2 1/2 hour class offered by the Copper Beech Institute in West Hartford, CT. It is based on the research and writings of Jon Kabat-Zinn and the subject of his best selling book, Full Catastrophe Living. Research indicates that the majority of the people who complete the course (more than 20,000 have already) report: Lasting decreases in physical and psychological symptoms, increased ability to relax, reduction in pain levels and an enhanced ability to cope with pain that may not go away, greater energy and enthusiasm for life and an ability to cope more effectively with both short and long-term stressful situations. SOLD!!
The irony is that I almost have a coronary every Monday just trying to get there! It is truly amazing that I am struggling to find the way to carve out time for the class and the 45-90 minute daily home practices.
Right now I am feeling an underlying current of frantic as I begin the countdown to my surgery. There are so many things that I had planned to do this summer because of being laid up last summer. DIY projects, getting Tessa ready for her apartment at Villanova, painting the patio, purging the basement, re-seeding the yard, birthday bash for Torrie, birthday bash for Ken, 20th Anniversary celebration for us; all going to be put on hold. Again. Except for the anniversary thing. Five more weeks. Laid up. Lots of pain, for a long time. Big sigh. I should also include that I am weaning myself off of caffeine and sugar - loads of fun.
I am learning a lot in the class. The instructor is remarkable. We have been practicing a 'body scan" as a form of relaxation which involves lying down with eyes closed and slowly visioning each part of the body beginning with each toe, all the way up to the top of the head. I routinely fall asleep at the ankles and wake up around mid chest. I sincerely hope that I don't drool or snore, it would be so embarrassing.
Everyone is kind and tells me that I shouldn't worry about things, that all of the important stuff will be taken care of one way or another. In my head, I know that they are right. I just wish I could tell my heart that.
In floor yoga tonight, when it came to roll onto our bellies to continue, I could not. A feeling of sadness came over me. In a few weeks, I won't even be doing the little yoga I am doing now. I pictured the walker and cane in my near future (pink, of course). I remembered the athlete I used to be...
But then, what I have learned in the course came to me. Just be in the moment... now. Breathe.
No judgement; just be.
Relax.
Trust God.
It'll be ok.
Exhale...
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mothers Day 2015
**My dear friend Tom Festa has set up a Facebook Community page to follow my blog! You can reach my page at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kim- and follow and comment on my posts. I look forward to hearing from you!
Such a wonderful day began with me waking up without an alarm and after 6:00 a.m, yesss. It was so sunny and the birds were chirping happily and everyone was still asleep, even Brutus and Bella. Peace, calm, nice. Sweet cards and longer than normal hugs, perfect.
My plan was to spend the day in the garden and put the screens in the porch and officially open it for the summer. During the winter, my three season porch becomes a large walk-in refrigerator/storage area. During the spring and summer, it is where we spend the most time. As I was putzing around, I reflected back on memories I had of my mother, Carol, and the Mothers Day mornings I spent with her. They were precious few, as she passed away from cancer when I was 12, she was just 37.
She was a beautiful woman, who adored her girls, pets, cooking and gardening. I shared with Tessa while we were outside, that some of my fondest and strongest memories of my mom are of her in our yard, moving and splitting plants the way someone might rearrange furniture. She loved to share her plants with her mom and sister in law, and knew the names of every plant she came across. I was enchanted by her...
So here I am, not a child, but a mother, spending the day in my garden with my daughter. I wonder if my mother felt as happy with me as I did today with my sweet Tessa.
Happy Mothers Day!
Kim
Such a wonderful day began with me waking up without an alarm and after 6:00 a.m, yesss. It was so sunny and the birds were chirping happily and everyone was still asleep, even Brutus and Bella. Peace, calm, nice. Sweet cards and longer than normal hugs, perfect.
My plan was to spend the day in the garden and put the screens in the porch and officially open it for the summer. During the winter, my three season porch becomes a large walk-in refrigerator/storage area. During the spring and summer, it is where we spend the most time. As I was putzing around, I reflected back on memories I had of my mother, Carol, and the Mothers Day mornings I spent with her. They were precious few, as she passed away from cancer when I was 12, she was just 37.
She was a beautiful woman, who adored her girls, pets, cooking and gardening. I shared with Tessa while we were outside, that some of my fondest and strongest memories of my mom are of her in our yard, moving and splitting plants the way someone might rearrange furniture. She loved to share her plants with her mom and sister in law, and knew the names of every plant she came across. I was enchanted by her...
So here I am, not a child, but a mother, spending the day in my garden with my daughter. I wonder if my mother felt as happy with me as I did today with my sweet Tessa.
Happy Mothers Day!
Kim
Thursday, May 7, 2015
It's Time to Write!
I'm putting my journals aside and picking up the keyboard (again)!
A very wise person suggested that as one more way to try to reduce stress and anxiety in regards to my health, I should begin writing about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. I totally agree. So here I sit, beginning to write and truly hoping that the stress emotions will subside and I will begin to relax into the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard.
I started this blog a long time ago, an extremely long time ago if you are living with stg. 4 cancer! Must pause here to give thanks...
It seems surreal to read back over my life back then, I truly have come a long way. But now, one of my biggest obstacles lies ahead of me. A big surgery, a really big surgery. Since my hysterectomy back in 2001, I have been plagued with hernias. Last May, I had my 7th hernia repair. It, too, was a big surgery. The hernia was so large that my bladder was actually resting in the hernia sack. The abdominal muscles had rolled back like snapped rubber bands. Old mesh had pulled away and was encased in scar tissue and had to be delicately removed. New mesh was inserted and attached to the bone. Recovery included two more surgeries due to MRSA infection.
Fast forward: I have been in almost intolerable pain since November. Swelling and hardening of the entire area where mesh is. Doctors don't know why. No one wants to operate on me. Palliative care, pain patches, more complications. Latest CAT scan shows 4 NEW abdominal hernias and 2 pelvic floor hernias. Must now self-catheterize, at times excruciating abdominal pain in spite of patch. More medicine. I feel as if my abdomen is dissolving...
The newest hernia is protruding out the left side of my abdomen. A new (to me) surgeon at Yale examines me...he says that he can help me!
He believes that there is an infection that is residing in my abdomen that is yet undectectable on bloodwork. Very much like the infection that burrowed slowly into my heart from the tip of the catheter of my port a few years ago. A "stable warzone" he describes it as. Everything must come out. Hernias, mesh and, unfortunately, most of the muscle in my abdomen. A new abdominal wall will be created by a plastic surgeon at the same time, by using muscle from my thighs and buttocks. Ouch and big ouch!
Deep breath.
I've got a little over a month to prepare for the big event and I thought I would detail it here. Somewhere, somewhere in all of this is a big life lesson... I'm searching hard for it.
Peace,
Kim
A very wise person suggested that as one more way to try to reduce stress and anxiety in regards to my health, I should begin writing about my feelings and experiences on a regular basis. I totally agree. So here I sit, beginning to write and truly hoping that the stress emotions will subside and I will begin to relax into the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard.
I started this blog a long time ago, an extremely long time ago if you are living with stg. 4 cancer! Must pause here to give thanks...
It seems surreal to read back over my life back then, I truly have come a long way. But now, one of my biggest obstacles lies ahead of me. A big surgery, a really big surgery. Since my hysterectomy back in 2001, I have been plagued with hernias. Last May, I had my 7th hernia repair. It, too, was a big surgery. The hernia was so large that my bladder was actually resting in the hernia sack. The abdominal muscles had rolled back like snapped rubber bands. Old mesh had pulled away and was encased in scar tissue and had to be delicately removed. New mesh was inserted and attached to the bone. Recovery included two more surgeries due to MRSA infection.
Fast forward: I have been in almost intolerable pain since November. Swelling and hardening of the entire area where mesh is. Doctors don't know why. No one wants to operate on me. Palliative care, pain patches, more complications. Latest CAT scan shows 4 NEW abdominal hernias and 2 pelvic floor hernias. Must now self-catheterize, at times excruciating abdominal pain in spite of patch. More medicine. I feel as if my abdomen is dissolving...
The newest hernia is protruding out the left side of my abdomen. A new (to me) surgeon at Yale examines me...he says that he can help me!
He believes that there is an infection that is residing in my abdomen that is yet undectectable on bloodwork. Very much like the infection that burrowed slowly into my heart from the tip of the catheter of my port a few years ago. A "stable warzone" he describes it as. Everything must come out. Hernias, mesh and, unfortunately, most of the muscle in my abdomen. A new abdominal wall will be created by a plastic surgeon at the same time, by using muscle from my thighs and buttocks. Ouch and big ouch!
Deep breath.
I've got a little over a month to prepare for the big event and I thought I would detail it here. Somewhere, somewhere in all of this is a big life lesson... I'm searching hard for it.
Peace,
Kim
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
At Home Workout: Carrying The Weight Of Our Cross
Tough, tough news for Senator Kennedy yesterday. A malignant brain tumor, and a pretty aggressive type tumor as well. That stinks. Saturday morning he's out walking the dogs on the beach before breakfast, by Saturday afternoon he's been airlifted to Boston and undergoing lots of poking and prodding. Life changes in the blink of an eye.
But who knows that better than Kennedy? The assassinations of his brothers, deaths of his sisters and then both of his children had to battle their own cancer. His Cross must be very heavy.
I am not a big political fan of Sr. Kennedy, but my son and I enjoyed hearing him speak when he introduced Senator Obama in Hartford a couple of months ago. He sure does have an 'air' about him that commands attention. Torrie also thought it was really neat that he was the uncle of Caroline (the song "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond is one of his favorites because it is played at Fenway). So I was sad when I heard the news yesterday. And the passage that I heard Sunday came back to mind: "The Cross is very heavy".
I was driving when I heard a Catholic Priest on the radio answer a question about why there is suffering and why some lives seem to be much more difficult than others. I actually sat in the parking lot and let the car idle because I wanted to hear what his answer would be. He related a story about a woman that had received some kind of medical diagnosis and she was questioning 'why me' and 'why did god let this happen to me? I come to church regularly, pray the Rosary, etc. " He asked her if she were married; "Oh, yes! A beautiful 40 year marriage". Do you have children? "Oh, yes! Two beautiful, successful grown sons". Do you have a home? "Oh, yes! We just finished paying it off, we're set." He said to her "Are you kidding me? You have a marriage, you raised sons, you're financially secure and now you're wondering why you?" He went on to point out the Cross on the wall and said that there are no guarantees that you will always have a 'rosy' life because you are a Christian. In fact, the deeper you walk with Christ the stronger you become to carry the trials and tribulations you may face. We all have Crosses to bear, it is how we carry them that matters. You've trained for the workout - "Why not you?"
I have had back pain as of late. I have been through more Xrays and MRIs in the past few weeks that I can count. Yesterday, I found out that my back pain is not of any cancer origin. I actually giggled with my doctor: "It's been the weight of my Cross that's hurt my back. Finding out that it isn't cancer has lightened the load. I feel better already!" Actually, some physical therapy and a new mattress may really do the trick!
If your back hurts because your Cross is heavy, take comfort in the idea that God will only give you what He knows you can carry, with His help. And if others try to add to your load (which seems to happen - we think we're carrying enough of our own load, then others dump on it too!), tell them to "stay off my Cross, it's heavy enough!"
I'm going to take some Motrin, get a new mattress, say a lot of prayers and marvel at my new found strength, courtesy of my home workout program: Carrying The Cross.
KG
But who knows that better than Kennedy? The assassinations of his brothers, deaths of his sisters and then both of his children had to battle their own cancer. His Cross must be very heavy.
I am not a big political fan of Sr. Kennedy, but my son and I enjoyed hearing him speak when he introduced Senator Obama in Hartford a couple of months ago. He sure does have an 'air' about him that commands attention. Torrie also thought it was really neat that he was the uncle of Caroline (the song "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond is one of his favorites because it is played at Fenway). So I was sad when I heard the news yesterday. And the passage that I heard Sunday came back to mind: "The Cross is very heavy".
I was driving when I heard a Catholic Priest on the radio answer a question about why there is suffering and why some lives seem to be much more difficult than others. I actually sat in the parking lot and let the car idle because I wanted to hear what his answer would be. He related a story about a woman that had received some kind of medical diagnosis and she was questioning 'why me' and 'why did god let this happen to me? I come to church regularly, pray the Rosary, etc. " He asked her if she were married; "Oh, yes! A beautiful 40 year marriage". Do you have children? "Oh, yes! Two beautiful, successful grown sons". Do you have a home? "Oh, yes! We just finished paying it off, we're set." He said to her "Are you kidding me? You have a marriage, you raised sons, you're financially secure and now you're wondering why you?" He went on to point out the Cross on the wall and said that there are no guarantees that you will always have a 'rosy' life because you are a Christian. In fact, the deeper you walk with Christ the stronger you become to carry the trials and tribulations you may face. We all have Crosses to bear, it is how we carry them that matters. You've trained for the workout - "Why not you?"
I have had back pain as of late. I have been through more Xrays and MRIs in the past few weeks that I can count. Yesterday, I found out that my back pain is not of any cancer origin. I actually giggled with my doctor: "It's been the weight of my Cross that's hurt my back. Finding out that it isn't cancer has lightened the load. I feel better already!" Actually, some physical therapy and a new mattress may really do the trick!
If your back hurts because your Cross is heavy, take comfort in the idea that God will only give you what He knows you can carry, with His help. And if others try to add to your load (which seems to happen - we think we're carrying enough of our own load, then others dump on it too!), tell them to "stay off my Cross, it's heavy enough!"
I'm going to take some Motrin, get a new mattress, say a lot of prayers and marvel at my new found strength, courtesy of my home workout program: Carrying The Cross.
KG
Friday, May 9, 2008
Nature's Alarm Clock
4:22 a.m.... For the past 3 mornings, that it is exactly the time that I have been woken up by the morning songs of the birds outside. It's been great 'sleeping with the windows partially open' weather - warm during the day then dropping to the low 40's at night. I love to sleep with the windows open and an extra blanket, Ken thinks I'm nuts. One little bird starts off the symphony by calling out to the others. He is a couple of backyards over so his chirping is quite faint. Another bird, with a totally different sound answers from my yard, then a few from across the street chime in. It's really very pretty to listen to once you get past the stage of being totally annoyed that you are wide awake and interpreting bird calls at 4:22 a.m!
So I am up and have an hour until I go to church and thought about writing. I have missed that hour at the computer in the mornings, but I have continued on with my routine of attending daily Mass and so enjoy it. I guess now I can do both! In my next post (I am sure the birds don't take the weekends off), I will share with you some experiences I've had during my morning adventures.
My health remains good - undergoing an MRI this afternoon for some issues with my spine. It's at 3:30, I am looking forward already to the nap! Ken and I are off to a black tie affair tomorrow night - A Night Of Hope - to benefit the American Cancer Society. With the walking I have been doing getting ready for the Relay For Life, I've dropped several pounds, so I am ready to get dressed up and dance!
To all of the Mom's: enjoy your special day this weekend! To everyone else: be extra good to Mom!
KG
So I am up and have an hour until I go to church and thought about writing. I have missed that hour at the computer in the mornings, but I have continued on with my routine of attending daily Mass and so enjoy it. I guess now I can do both! In my next post (I am sure the birds don't take the weekends off), I will share with you some experiences I've had during my morning adventures.
My health remains good - undergoing an MRI this afternoon for some issues with my spine. It's at 3:30, I am looking forward already to the nap! Ken and I are off to a black tie affair tomorrow night - A Night Of Hope - to benefit the American Cancer Society. With the walking I have been doing getting ready for the Relay For Life, I've dropped several pounds, so I am ready to get dressed up and dance!
To all of the Mom's: enjoy your special day this weekend! To everyone else: be extra good to Mom!
KG
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Let's Get Ready To Relay!
It sure feels like it has been a long time since I have written. Actually, it has been. The past few weeks have flown by and I have felt a tugging from my computer to sit down and write. It's good to be back!
It's the fifth Sunday of Lent and a beautiful day as well. Since my last posting, West Hartford has endured two major snowstorms, an ice storm and a lot of rain. Today is quite chilly, but the sun is gorgeous and warm on the face. In a corner near the side entrance of my house that receives a lot of sun, little green stems of my tulips and hyacinth are actually popping up. I mention Lent because it is one of my favorite times of year. A time of spiritual renewal and growth. For the third year in a row, my friend Judy and I have made attending daily Mass a part of our Lenten experience. We meet each other each morning at 6:15 to attend Mass. It is a routine that we both love and a great way to start the day, however 6:15 in the morning is when I usually do my writing - hence the lack of postings!
Since my last post, two more friends of mine have been diagnosed with cancer. Actually, I will say three friends because I feel like I know Patrick Swayze, having loved all of the acting work he has done. That said, I feel that it is important to share with you a project that I am working on: The American Cancer Society's 2008 West Hartford Relay For Life. I am helping on the planning committee to promote the Relay and all of the great work that the ACS does for cancer patients and their families. I am sharing with you the speech that I gave at the Kick Off Party on Feb. 29 to officially begin our Relay efforts. I hope that you will take time to click on the link under "Links I love" at the right of this page and join my team 'Gang Green' or support our efforts. It is such an important cause and one that so many cancer survivors have benefited from.
My name is Kim Green and I am a cancer survivor. A stage 4, metastatic breast cancer survivor, to be exact. I am so happy to be here tonight to talk to you about the Relay For Life. I think I can give you some insight into the life of a cancer survivor and the tremendous impact the Relay and the American Cancer Society can have on a cancer patient.
I was diagnosed in June of 1998 after discovering my own lump while in the shower. I was very diligent about performing monthly self checks because my mother had passed away from cancer - at age 37. I felt a lump that day and thought how odd it was that I hadn't felt it before because it felt quite large. I told myself not to be alarmed - your body can change - after all I was 7 months pregnant. I was also only 34 years old.
I wasted no time getting to the Dr. I asked my ob to feel the lump and assure me that I was just a paranoid pregnant woman. His expression told me that I wasn't paranoid. It was a Friday afternoon and my Dr. got me in as the last patient for a surgeon to see that day. The surgeon aspirated the lump and I waited out the longest weekend of my life. I vacillated between this is nothing, to at one point crawling into my three year old daughters' bed and crying myself to sleep, thinking about my own mother and how afraid she must have been to know that she was going to die and leave her three young daughters without a mother.
The call came on Monday - "Kimberly, you have a malignancy". I would need immediate surgery - I was scheduled for that Thursday.
I have always felt that knowledge is power. We are so lucky to live in an age that information is at our fingertips. I hit the Internet and the first name that came to mind was The American Cancer Society. I pulled up their website and instantly felt some relief. I wasn't alone. There were so many resources available to me: information in the form of written material that would be mailed to me at no charge, people that could answer questions for me over the phone 24 hours a day, online support groups that I could participate in, and support for my family and friends as well.
I had surgery to remove the tumor, but even before all of the pathology reports came back, I went into premature labor. My son Torrie was born 72 hours later after all attempts were made to stall labor. He was small, but very healthy and is now seated right there next to my daughter Tessa and my husband Ken. They are my reason for fighting.
I underwent a bilateral mastectomy, removal of lymph nodes and six months of chemotherapy. It was tough. I lost all of my hair and most of my energy. But then again, the ACS was right there for me. A Reach To Recovery Volunteer contacted me. These are great volunteers that are also cancer survivors. They reach out to newly diagnosed patients and those undergoing treatment to show them the ropes and to help them cope. My volunteer supplied me with a goodie bag of items to aid my recovery: a small pillow to take pressure off of my wounded arm, exercise aids to gain range of motion and volumes of pamphlets to help with eating, nausea and fatigue. They were invaluable materials to me. She was also invaluable because she was able to really identify with me and once again make me feel that I was not alone in this fight.
I recovered well and went on to lead a normal life, taking care of my 2 young kids and of all things training to run a marathon , just to prove to myself that I could. I trained for many months and completed the Walt Disney World marathon in 2001 with Ken and the kids waiting at the finish line. I was feeling so well that I went through the training to become a Reach To Recovery Volunteer myself. The the program I was able to talk to so many women, and hopefully help a few, too.
Then the worst...my cancer had returned, this time invading the lymph nodes in my neck This was devastating to me because I really thought that I had kicked it. Now new,scary words would become part of my vocabulary: metastatic disease, stage 4, pain management. It was a part of the cancer world that I wanted no part of. I didn't want the pain, the fear, the fatigue - heck, I didn't want to lose my hair again! I just wanted to look normal, feel normal, be normal.
Once again, ACS was there for me. My oncology nurse told me about a special evening called 'Look Good, Feel Better' that was going to take place at the cancer center. A group of specially trained volunteers provide their talents to help cancer fighters deal with the ravaging effects that chemotherapy and radiation have on skin and hair. These great people teach cancer patients makeup techniques, scarf tying ideas, skin care for radiated areas and even provide wigs to those who cannot afford one. Skin care and cosmetic companies donate all of the products and makeup artists and hair stylists donate their time and talents. In a very relaxing and positive setting, women are nurtured and are able to have a really good time during the midst of a very difficult time. It is a very popular ACS program and would not be possible without the funds raised from events such as Relay.
Unfortunately, my cancer spread one more time to the lung area and that involved more chemo and radiation, more surgeries and hair loss one more time.
The cancer road is a bumpy one. But it is certainly not a dead end. I have realized that it can actually be made a lot smoother with the help and support of programs and volunteers such as the ones that make up the ACS. The Relay For Life is the signature event that raises awareness and money to make the programs available to cancer patients.
We are here tonight to kick off the planning, organization and fundraising of the West Hartford Relay For Life to be held June 13-14. Each of you that are here tonight are here for very personal reasons. Some of you are here tonight and aren't quite sure why you are here, but know that you want to help. One thing is certain - all of us in some way are affected by cancer in West Hartford. We live in a great town, but that hasn't spared us from this disease. Cancer is rampant in our town. I have spoken to you in the Center at the two stores that I work at. I have heard you speak of yourself, your spouse, your children and your friends that have cancer. I have heard of teachers, local government officials, clergy, medical personnel and business owners that are all engaged in the fight of their lives. We are a prosperous, thriving town, yet this disease is in every corner of it.
What are we supposed to do here tonight? Of course, all of us are here because we want to see a cure for cancer. All of us would like to be a part of the process that makes that happen. Sometimes though, that task can seem so enormous and unattainable that we fall into a position of thinking that our individual effort will not make a difference. But, our individual effort DOES make a difference. Ten years ago when I was diagnosed, 3 of the chemotherapy drugs that I have recently received were not yet available. I have 2 more new drugs now in my arsenal when needed. That is a complete product of fundraising and research. And no one does it better that ACS. Finding a cure for cancer can seem like an enormous goal. Funding a ride for a person to treatment or providing money for a wig can seem easier to accomplish. This Relay is here to provide you the opportunity to do all.
We have an opportunity here in West Hartford to really make a difference. The Relay For Life could become the signature event for our town. Northwest Catholic High School has been so generous to host the Relay. Already businesses in town are donating services, just like Real Art Ways tonight for this facility and The Pond House for the great food and drinks. There is so much work though that we have to do.
Coming from the point of being a person that has lived with and fought cancer for such a long time, I am asking you to step out of your comfort zone - or step out of the box so to speak. Form a team. If you can't form a team - join one. If you can't join a team - offer to support one. My team name is Gang Green and I am actively recruiting new members! If you can't support a team - we would love your help in planning and help on the day of the event. There is a niche for every person, and every ounce of work that is given adds up to our success. And best of all, so many people we know and that are a part of our lives will benefit from your efforts. You, yourself, one day might need the services the ACS provides. Just this week, I received this book from the ACS. They are still fighting for me, that is why I will Relay for them.
My favorite quote is one from Eleanor Roosevelt: We must do the things we think we cannot do. It is so applicable here tonight. We can do anything. Just think, our actions might help to cure cancer.
Ten years ago, on June 8, I found out that I had cancer. To celebrate winning the battle thus far, I am going to walk 10 miles around the track for Relay on June 13. I can't think of a better way of celebrating than spending the evening with a few thousand of my new friends. I hope that you will be there.
Thank you for everything that you are doing and for being here tonight.
God Bless.
KG
It's the fifth Sunday of Lent and a beautiful day as well. Since my last posting, West Hartford has endured two major snowstorms, an ice storm and a lot of rain. Today is quite chilly, but the sun is gorgeous and warm on the face. In a corner near the side entrance of my house that receives a lot of sun, little green stems of my tulips and hyacinth are actually popping up. I mention Lent because it is one of my favorite times of year. A time of spiritual renewal and growth. For the third year in a row, my friend Judy and I have made attending daily Mass a part of our Lenten experience. We meet each other each morning at 6:15 to attend Mass. It is a routine that we both love and a great way to start the day, however 6:15 in the morning is when I usually do my writing - hence the lack of postings!
Since my last post, two more friends of mine have been diagnosed with cancer. Actually, I will say three friends because I feel like I know Patrick Swayze, having loved all of the acting work he has done. That said, I feel that it is important to share with you a project that I am working on: The American Cancer Society's 2008 West Hartford Relay For Life. I am helping on the planning committee to promote the Relay and all of the great work that the ACS does for cancer patients and their families. I am sharing with you the speech that I gave at the Kick Off Party on Feb. 29 to officially begin our Relay efforts. I hope that you will take time to click on the link under "Links I love" at the right of this page and join my team 'Gang Green' or support our efforts. It is such an important cause and one that so many cancer survivors have benefited from.
My name is Kim Green and I am a cancer survivor. A stage 4, metastatic breast cancer survivor, to be exact. I am so happy to be here tonight to talk to you about the Relay For Life. I think I can give you some insight into the life of a cancer survivor and the tremendous impact the Relay and the American Cancer Society can have on a cancer patient.
I was diagnosed in June of 1998 after discovering my own lump while in the shower. I was very diligent about performing monthly self checks because my mother had passed away from cancer - at age 37. I felt a lump that day and thought how odd it was that I hadn't felt it before because it felt quite large. I told myself not to be alarmed - your body can change - after all I was 7 months pregnant. I was also only 34 years old.
I wasted no time getting to the Dr. I asked my ob to feel the lump and assure me that I was just a paranoid pregnant woman. His expression told me that I wasn't paranoid. It was a Friday afternoon and my Dr. got me in as the last patient for a surgeon to see that day. The surgeon aspirated the lump and I waited out the longest weekend of my life. I vacillated between this is nothing, to at one point crawling into my three year old daughters' bed and crying myself to sleep, thinking about my own mother and how afraid she must have been to know that she was going to die and leave her three young daughters without a mother.
The call came on Monday - "Kimberly, you have a malignancy". I would need immediate surgery - I was scheduled for that Thursday.
I have always felt that knowledge is power. We are so lucky to live in an age that information is at our fingertips. I hit the Internet and the first name that came to mind was The American Cancer Society. I pulled up their website and instantly felt some relief. I wasn't alone. There were so many resources available to me: information in the form of written material that would be mailed to me at no charge, people that could answer questions for me over the phone 24 hours a day, online support groups that I could participate in, and support for my family and friends as well.
I had surgery to remove the tumor, but even before all of the pathology reports came back, I went into premature labor. My son Torrie was born 72 hours later after all attempts were made to stall labor. He was small, but very healthy and is now seated right there next to my daughter Tessa and my husband Ken. They are my reason for fighting.
I underwent a bilateral mastectomy, removal of lymph nodes and six months of chemotherapy. It was tough. I lost all of my hair and most of my energy. But then again, the ACS was right there for me. A Reach To Recovery Volunteer contacted me. These are great volunteers that are also cancer survivors. They reach out to newly diagnosed patients and those undergoing treatment to show them the ropes and to help them cope. My volunteer supplied me with a goodie bag of items to aid my recovery: a small pillow to take pressure off of my wounded arm, exercise aids to gain range of motion and volumes of pamphlets to help with eating, nausea and fatigue. They were invaluable materials to me. She was also invaluable because she was able to really identify with me and once again make me feel that I was not alone in this fight.
I recovered well and went on to lead a normal life, taking care of my 2 young kids and of all things training to run a marathon , just to prove to myself that I could. I trained for many months and completed the Walt Disney World marathon in 2001 with Ken and the kids waiting at the finish line. I was feeling so well that I went through the training to become a Reach To Recovery Volunteer myself. The the program I was able to talk to so many women, and hopefully help a few, too.
Then the worst...my cancer had returned, this time invading the lymph nodes in my neck This was devastating to me because I really thought that I had kicked it. Now new,scary words would become part of my vocabulary: metastatic disease, stage 4, pain management. It was a part of the cancer world that I wanted no part of. I didn't want the pain, the fear, the fatigue - heck, I didn't want to lose my hair again! I just wanted to look normal, feel normal, be normal.
Once again, ACS was there for me. My oncology nurse told me about a special evening called 'Look Good, Feel Better' that was going to take place at the cancer center. A group of specially trained volunteers provide their talents to help cancer fighters deal with the ravaging effects that chemotherapy and radiation have on skin and hair. These great people teach cancer patients makeup techniques, scarf tying ideas, skin care for radiated areas and even provide wigs to those who cannot afford one. Skin care and cosmetic companies donate all of the products and makeup artists and hair stylists donate their time and talents. In a very relaxing and positive setting, women are nurtured and are able to have a really good time during the midst of a very difficult time. It is a very popular ACS program and would not be possible without the funds raised from events such as Relay.
Unfortunately, my cancer spread one more time to the lung area and that involved more chemo and radiation, more surgeries and hair loss one more time.
The cancer road is a bumpy one. But it is certainly not a dead end. I have realized that it can actually be made a lot smoother with the help and support of programs and volunteers such as the ones that make up the ACS. The Relay For Life is the signature event that raises awareness and money to make the programs available to cancer patients.
We are here tonight to kick off the planning, organization and fundraising of the West Hartford Relay For Life to be held June 13-14. Each of you that are here tonight are here for very personal reasons. Some of you are here tonight and aren't quite sure why you are here, but know that you want to help. One thing is certain - all of us in some way are affected by cancer in West Hartford. We live in a great town, but that hasn't spared us from this disease. Cancer is rampant in our town. I have spoken to you in the Center at the two stores that I work at. I have heard you speak of yourself, your spouse, your children and your friends that have cancer. I have heard of teachers, local government officials, clergy, medical personnel and business owners that are all engaged in the fight of their lives. We are a prosperous, thriving town, yet this disease is in every corner of it.
What are we supposed to do here tonight? Of course, all of us are here because we want to see a cure for cancer. All of us would like to be a part of the process that makes that happen. Sometimes though, that task can seem so enormous and unattainable that we fall into a position of thinking that our individual effort will not make a difference. But, our individual effort DOES make a difference. Ten years ago when I was diagnosed, 3 of the chemotherapy drugs that I have recently received were not yet available. I have 2 more new drugs now in my arsenal when needed. That is a complete product of fundraising and research. And no one does it better that ACS. Finding a cure for cancer can seem like an enormous goal. Funding a ride for a person to treatment or providing money for a wig can seem easier to accomplish. This Relay is here to provide you the opportunity to do all.
We have an opportunity here in West Hartford to really make a difference. The Relay For Life could become the signature event for our town. Northwest Catholic High School has been so generous to host the Relay. Already businesses in town are donating services, just like Real Art Ways tonight for this facility and The Pond House for the great food and drinks. There is so much work though that we have to do.
Coming from the point of being a person that has lived with and fought cancer for such a long time, I am asking you to step out of your comfort zone - or step out of the box so to speak. Form a team. If you can't form a team - join one. If you can't join a team - offer to support one. My team name is Gang Green and I am actively recruiting new members! If you can't support a team - we would love your help in planning and help on the day of the event. There is a niche for every person, and every ounce of work that is given adds up to our success. And best of all, so many people we know and that are a part of our lives will benefit from your efforts. You, yourself, one day might need the services the ACS provides. Just this week, I received this book from the ACS. They are still fighting for me, that is why I will Relay for them.
My favorite quote is one from Eleanor Roosevelt: We must do the things we think we cannot do. It is so applicable here tonight. We can do anything. Just think, our actions might help to cure cancer.
Ten years ago, on June 8, I found out that I had cancer. To celebrate winning the battle thus far, I am going to walk 10 miles around the track for Relay on June 13. I can't think of a better way of celebrating than spending the evening with a few thousand of my new friends. I hope that you will be there.
Thank you for everything that you are doing and for being here tonight.
God Bless.
KG
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