Memorial Day, 2016.
The 3rd Memorial Day Holiday in a row that I have been in bandages from surgery. The 3rd holiday in a row, that I feel optimism for a healthy, healing summer. But this time; I feel different. I feel like some type of corner has been rounded or an obstacle has been removed. I feel lighter, happier and hopeful. Very hopeful.
This surgery has been different from the last two in many ways, mainly, because I am a lot different than I was last year and the year before. Over the past three years, I have undergone major shifts in my thinking and approach to situations. I have focused so hard on learning to try to take things not so seriously, even when faced with very serious challenges. I began the gut wrenching process of going back through my life and working through a lot of unfinished emotional business. I have slowly begun to repair the damage that has been caused to me and by me. I have fought to grasp hold of the one thing that eluded me all of my life: peace.
Driving to Yale for this last surgery, I was very afraid. Even more afraid than when I faced emergency open heart surgery and had Fr. Leary anointing me before going to the O.R. The fear of this surgery stirring up the MRSA that almost killed me last fall, was paralyzing. In the room preparing to go to the operating table, I began just holding and touching my rosary until I was placed on the table and the mask was put over my face to put me to sleep. I was calm.
And that's how I woke up.
Calm.
Normally, when I am awakened from anesthesia, I am confused and afraid and agitated. This time, I still I woke up to pain, but I was peaceful and rather relaxed. There was no chaos, nothing unforeseen had come up, and the surgery went better than planned. I slept well through that first night. Tessa and Ken were at my bedside early the next morning and had everything set up for me. I had wonderful meditation music playing softly by my bedside, lavender, and other healing oils were being diffused in my room. The light was soft from a lamp brought from home. That wonderful atmosphere was created and maintained for the next several days. Of course, the nurses and doctors had to come in and out, but I had a sign placed on my door for no other interruptions. I asked for visitors to wait until I got home and my phone was used only to communicate with my family. I just didn't want to disturb the peace that had I had been blessed with.
I came home from the hospital early (!), and was able to be present for Torrie's Senior Prom pictures and to help Tessa with her move back to Villanova for work. Today, I can say that I am in less pain that I have been in since more than three years ago. Amazing. Just waiting out some time to make sure that infection doesn't rear its' head... I'm almost there.
Before surgery, my oncologist informed me that she had been offered an opportunity at the University of Pennsylvania and that my care was being transferred to a new doctor. I will be meeting her in a couple of weeks. I want to have a discussion with her before I start my treatments back up. My cancer status has not changed in a few years. There has been no new growth, even when I was off the chemo for six months last fall. Is it possible for a break? Could I actually step away from Yale and treatments and injections and scans and tests, etc. for the summer? Could I have a 'normal' summer? Next month, my blog title will change to Eighteen Years of Pink. That is a LONG time to be running this race...I want to rest a while.
Tessa has moved to PA to work for the summer before her senior year of college; Torrie graduates from high school in just a few days. I never, ever, expected to live this long.
Ever.
And here I sit, feeling better than I have in a very long time, entertaining the idea of a respite from cancer and it's treatments.
I also sit here with ideas dancing around in my head about starting my Mindfulness and Matters studio, actually allowing myself to dream and plan for the future.
I dream of growing old...
maybe it's not just a dream.
Namaste,
Kim
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