Last month, I asked 'Dare I dream?'.
And now I am not only daring to dream, I am stepping into my dream. Against everything that I have been told and researched about Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer, I am the exception to the rule, the statistic breaker.
I am a Miracle.
And I know it.
I have been told countless times from people that also share my faith in God, that He must have a purpose for me, a reason for still winning the fight. A reason for being here after my initial diagnosis and two metastasis. A reason to still be alive after a near fatal infection of my heart due to my port that resulted in emergency open heart surgery. A reason to still plant both feet on the floor every day after almost losing the battle to hospital acquired MRSA. A reason to be breathing in the sweet air after nearly 60 operations in 18 years and countless doses of different chemotherapies; having to stop many when they became toxic to me. Add to it the immeasurable radiation from hundreds of CT scans, MRI's, PET scans, X-rays, etc. There must be A REASON...
To me, it is very simple.
The reason is... to love.
To love waking each morning regardless of whatever I may be experiencing that day. To love the sound of my children and husband's voices, whether they are near or far. To love the relentless kisses from my pooches. To love my home, my friends, my garden, my coffee mug and my Bible. To love cooking and cleaning and working and playing. To love music and books, sports and theatre. To love the quiet and the not so quiet.
To love myself.
Finally.
Just as I am. Peace.
At this time, three years ago, I was in rough shape.
I was drowning in my own personal battle with depression and anxiety that few people outside of my family even knew about. I had become isolated and barely able to function. I was afraid all of the time. All of the time, every day, and it continued to get worse. July 7, 2013, was the darkest day of my life. I couldn't go on one more day waiting to die. It was just too hard. I hated myself for that. Total blackness. Total hopelessness. I couldn't even find God.
Thankfully, He never took His eyes off of me.
I desperately needed help. An ambulance was called. I had to be away for a few days. I haven't shared that with very many people, either. But now I can. Now I should. Because it is part of my purpose, I believe. Because at one horribly dark point of my life, it wasn't cancer that was the biggest threat to my life. It was my mind. It was depression and anxiety. Things people don't like to talk about so much. So we don't. We hide our secret until it threatens to consume us. As it almost consumed me.
As it did consume my father.
And his grandmother.
My wonderful doctor, not my oncologist, but a psychiatrist that specializes in treating terminal cancer patients, provided me with some incredible insights about myself and helped me to understand my depression and resulting anxiety. All I ever wanted to be was a 'normal' person. But how can you be that when you have been faced with so many abnormal life situations? From the initial trauma of losing my mom at the fragile age of 12 to cancer, my father's subsequent suicide, and then the shocking blow of my initial cancer diagnosis at 34 while pregnant with Torrie, each of those events changed me dramatically. The physical ravages of cancer that took away every female organ that I had, to the endless scars that were left in their place. The repeated baldness, the sickness, the relentless fatigue and pain, the never ending ache of missing my parents. No Kim, you were not normal. And me trying to outwardly appear that I was 'just fine' all of the time, was the single most damaging thing I did to myself. I was not 'just fine'. I was a tortured soul, physically and emotionally, trying to hold it all together for a family that I cherished more than anything else. At some point, it had to give. And it did.
But God carried me. He put exactly the right doctor in my life, and most importantly, touched my heart one more time and reignited my fire to LIVE. For a person like myself, in the midst of an acute depressive stage, medication was needed to 'quiet down my brain'. To stop the endless chatter and noise that seemed to overtake me. The results were immediate. And lifesaving.
And then I found meditation...
I discovered a tool. A tool to use anytime I felt the familiar waves of anxiety or the heaviness of depression. It was a tool that required a lot of skill to use, it was not easy at first. But I began to have moments of true mindfulness, of just being, with no chatter or noise or anything for that matter. Peacefulness.
And, fast forward, here I am. Recipient of a REALLY GOOD PET Scan. Six months, no chemo. Six months, another PET Scan. Maybe another six months of no chemo?
I have had a dream for the past two years. I watched it almost fade from view last summer when I was fighting for my life. I have a dream to share with others, the tool I have found to help me understand myself, find more peace, and above all, accept myself; just the way I am. No more pretending. The real deal, flaws and all. What a relief, what a gift!
I was busy today... I applied for my CT Business License. I retweaked my business plan some more. And.... I got my key to my very own meditation studio that now officially has the name of:
Mindfulness and Matters
~ Meditation and much more!
My dream is coming true. Dare to dream, it will happen for you, too!
Namaste,
Kim
No comments:
Post a Comment