Both literally and figuratively.
The pain in the middle of my abdomen from my surgeries and from the MRSA wound is getting much better. Much, much better. However, in my lower right side, there is still a dull nagging pain that just will not subside. It is really just like a thorn in my side. It is there because there was a remaining piece of the old, infected mesh, that the surgeons were unable to remove. It is something I will just have to live with. But it is there, and I notice it a lot.
Recently, I did some reading about St. Paul. Before having the scales fall from his eyes and experiencing the wonderful revelation about Jesus, Paul (or Saul in his earlier days) was not a very nice guy. In fact, he was horrible. He mercilessly persecuted Christians for many years, until his own personal revelation. Paul became a changed man after his encounter with God.
However, even after receiving God's forgiveness and becoming a Christian, Paul suffered. A lot.
He was imprisoned, beaten, threatened, stoned, shipwrecked, robbed, and chased throughout his entire ministry. On top of all of this, he had a persistent, unrelenting "thorn" oppressing his body. (2 Corinthians 12:7-8). Three times he called upon God and begged for relief. You'd think that God would keep His best servants in perfect condition and optimal health! But rather than receiving a grand, sweeping cure, Paul was given a deeper answer: "My grace is sufficient for you'.
I'm sure that's not the answer old Paul was looking for!
Since I have been able to get out and about lately, many people have asked me about my health and my crazy past few months, and more than not, they seem to question how I can remain faithful. Questions like "How could God allow this to happen to you?" or the one that really bothers me "Why did God do this to you?" My answer is and always has been that God did not do this to me, but instead is giving me the means to come to Him first when circumstances go sour to get through these trials. I can see in the faces of some, that they are just not getting what I am saying.
I think that many of my fellow believers believe that after placing their faith in God, that hardships will just disappear or avert them completely. I am a perfect living case that indeed, that is not the truth. I get the feeling that seeing me unsettles or makes some people question their own faith. "If she's such a believer, why does $#%& keep happening to her?!"
My struggles only make sense to me if I continually try to see my difficulties through God's eyes; as an opportunity for growth. An untested faith is weak and ineffective. Just like our muscles, our faith must be tested against resistance. Sure, I get upset about cancer, pain, limitations, etc. I've done more than my fair share of cussing and pouting, but God knows me, and he knows I believe in Him.
He has given me the gift of Wisdom.
There is a wisdom that can be learned from experience and attained intellectually. It is a form of spiritual guidance. When the gift of wisdom is operating for me, I learn how to handle a certain issue in an exceptionally wise way (even though I am not necessarily a wise person!), one that is beyond my natural learning or experience that lines up with God's purpose for me.
I try (keyword = try) to not let circumstances intimidate me to much. I am able to do this because I can reflect back on so many situations and God's hand on me during them. I know that God gives me just the amount of strength I need to get through each day because:
1. I ask for it.
2. He knows what I need, long before I do.
That, my friends, is the gift of Faith.
When this gift is in operation for me, I am able to comfortably believe in God for something that others would see as impossible. I have total faith for something that others may be daunted by or even terrified of. It is a sense of boldness that I do not normally possess. Sometimes, the more challenging my day it seems, the more God showers me with this gift.
So that brings me back to Paul and his thorn...
Learning about Paul has given me a fresh outlook on my "thorn". Perhaps instead of praying for my quick fix or cure, I'll begin to ask God what He wants me to accomplish through this weakness. Perhaps my "thorn' just may be the vessel which God can display his unlimited power to my friends and acquaintances.
That, my friends, is the gift of Acceptance.
In Faith,
Kim
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