Lessons Revealed at 3:30 a.m.

I think one of the hardest things about getting well, is admitting that you are not.

I came home in a pink cloud. I was heady over the miraculous accomplishments I had made in just a few days to go from NG tube, TPN nutrition and IV's, to protein shakes made at home. Friends and family welcomed me and even more enormous hurdles were overcome so quickly. Bit by bit, I started reclaiming my position as mom, wife, friend and confidant. An encouraging round of followup appointments fueled my desire to get out of the house and step back into life. So I did. I wanted to be as 'normal' as possible again.

I am paying the price. I was flat on my back in the hospital hooked to more tubes that I could count just 25 (!!) days ago. This weekend I was walking the aisles of Costco like I didn't have a care in the world.
Key word: Like

Impeccable honesty.
I had discovered in the hospital, that one of my character defects is often trying to be something that I am not, to fit in, be loved, not to be noticed, whatever the reason may be. I said "yes" because I was afraid to say "no". I said 'I'm sorry' if someone did something to ME. I often had strong ideas or opinions but didn't share them, lest be nonconforming or 'pushy'. I wanted to live a truly authentic life. An open book; so that I could overcome my writer's block and write my book. How easy it is to fall back into old habits and patterns... In the past few weeks, I've said yes to many things that I should have said no to, out of those same reasons I just listed. I don't want to hurt feelings, etc, etc. In my home, with my family, outside my home, it doesn't matter, I have such a difficult time with this.

You know you shower up, style your hair, slap on some makeup and for most outward purposes, you look "fine". Even better than 'fine', is 'great' or 'beautiful' or the best 'you don't look like you've even been sick". Tell that to the nightmares and flashbacks that I have of being in the hospital that has me writing this at 4:00 a.m. In our society, how you look completely overshadows how you feel. And of course, this is human nature. It is painful to see someone we love suffering or not feeling their best. Our words are to encourage and support. My family and friends want to see me looking better each day, doing more each day, putting this behind me.  I, so want to, also. But it's only been 25 days... I have my lifetime ahead of me.

The absolute hardest time of recovery is when you begin to feel better, but there is still so far to go. The wound is still so big from the MRSA. honestly, I don't know how it's ever going to close up, but I am assured that it will. And now there is a new normal, that I seem to be having some childlike temper tantrum about accepting. My emotions are all over the place. I am so happy to be home, but then feel like I am coming out of my skin because I am confined. I feel capable of doing something, but "oh no, you can't do that...ever!" So grateful, then beating myself up because I feel ungrateful. I am told it will take time, you have to adjust to your new normal, just relax... I want to smack them. I want to go dead head my plants, I want to put the fitted sheet on the bed, I want to move the plant from the living room to the dining room, I want to vacuum, I want to hold both of my dogs at the same time, I want , I want , I want...wah, wah, wah...

And then I read this, this morning, when I could not sleep due to restlessness at 3:30 a.m.:  "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family, your friends, your health and abilities, your time - are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all of the blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!

Well that shut me up real quick! Jeez...

God has given me the ability to breathe on my own, be upright and walking and in the process of making a full recovery to my new self. I must shed the past and embrace the day God has given to me. The restlessness I feel is mainly because I do not feel as if I am doing for someone else. I am the receiver of untold generosity and I feel as if my scale is tipping too far; I want to give back. And God says, "soon".

So I will continue to write and plan for November when I will begin leading mindfulness Meditation again. I will also slow down. I am still very sick. I pushed way too hard this weekend and I am feeling it. At one point, I thought we needed to check in with the docs; not too smart on my behalf.

I do have to come to grips with the fact that I cannot lift, push, pull, shove, kick, scoot (believe me, I've thought of them all) anything over 5 pounds. Ever. Really. Staircases are a challenge, as are hills. In the not so distant future, we will probably have to move; too much house for me alone while Ken travels and the kids are away.

But not today.

Today, I will get Torrie off to school and then get showered. That will then require a rest. Catch up on things at my desk and some phone calls. Lunch then nap. Outside with dogs, rest. That is sort of how it goes... But look how fortunate I am to be able to do all of those things in just 25 days!

If I could get out of my own head and out of my own way, I could really be amazing. That is my prayer for today:

Thy will, not mine, be done.

Peace.
Kim