"The way we initially think about God has much to do with how we were parented - especially by our Father...".
How have I missed that all of these years?
Is that why I kept searching for that 'something' that everyone seemed to have besides me, in regards to their relationship with God?
I'll tell you what... I have just had a true epiphany.
After my mom died, my father's dance with alcohol became a full blown fight. Meeting for 'Happy Hour' was not a special event, but a daily necessity. Happy hour often began around 3 in the afternoon and last until closing. My sisters and I were not something to come home for, but to come home to - reluctantly.
I became afraid of my father. I would fear his rages after coming home from drinking and finding the house not in perfect order, or heaven forbid, us watching television or in our rooms. Lazy, of no help, ungrateful on and on... we were 13, 11 and 8.
I saw my friend's fathers and I took keen notice as the way they were with their kids. Rides home from school and events, family cookouts and dinners, a car parked in the driveway after work - for the entire night. Countless nights that I laid in my bed well into the late hours on a school night, waiting for my father to come home safely after hours in a bar. I knew that he loved me...
I knew he was supposed to love me...
does he love me...?
what can I do to make you love me?...daddy where are you? Don't leave me dad!
And then he was dead.
I saw him on his bedroom floor.
He left me. Love was not enough.
Is this why I have dug so furiously to find God?
I knew that His love was supposed to be there. Did I have to earn it? Did I have to be perfect? Was I worthy? If I wasn't good enough would He leave me, too?
I can now see how and why I have been so desperate and so confused. It makes 'perfect' sense.
As I continue with ACA, I am learning that my father did the best he could with what he knew. He, too, was raised by dysfunctional parents. Don't most of us come from some sort of dysfunction? It doesn't even have to involve alcohol.
I have learned that my father was a very sick and suffering man. I have learned that the alcohol took hold of him in ways that it would never take hold of another because he was an alcoholic. I have learned that my father's pride and dysfunctional upbringing prevented him from asking for the help that would have surely saved his life. I have learned a lot about my father. I have forgiven my father. I feel great sadness for my father. I hope that I am finally making him proud.
I am learning to let go of the grip that my past has had on me for so long. I am learning to embrace that frightened child inside of me and praise her strength and courage. I am learning to forgive myself for choices I have made.
And most importantly, I now know that I have a loving, nurturing wonderful relationship with God... the Father.
www.adultchildren.org
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| Daytona Beach, Florida |
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| Orlando, Florida |
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